Now Hardliner is a fighter
There is a chip inside sista gurl that becomes
Active once she catches a whiff of something
That brings on discomfort
And right about now – you could say she is in the throes
Of a nasty – bloody – jacked up fight
An “aint no way she can win” type of fight
With her beef being with the Universe – and all
But heyul – she is Hardliner – so she gone fight anyway
The unease is dayum near choking her
With its weight pressing down on her chest
But sista gurl cannot relinquish her resistance
To birthin this mammoth breakthrough

Cause – well – this thing gon gut her
For a while now – she has been walking aimlessly through her jungle
Her steps faltering – here and there
Tears stinging her eyes – Hardliner tries to breathe
Through suppressed emotions
And as if this shit aint hardcore enough
They gon drop an Aretha Ms. Franklin on a sista

“Don’t trouble the water – I won’t
Leave it alone
Why don’t you, why don’t you, let it be?
Um hum hum
Still water run deep… yes it do
I know that – whoa-o-o-yeah…”

Hardliner stops that aimless stroll
To face her expansive clearing
Whilst Aretha’s Bridge over Troubled Waters
Stirs up her deep – which is already agitated
She faces all three Earth Mothers – standing
In the centre of her clearing

It’s time baby
Rennah simply states

Hardliner wilts under the weight of her situation
Dem Earth mothers carry a soothing energy
That normally elicits a deluge from her tear ducts
Plus – Aretha aint no joke!
This here breakthrough is about her soft spots
Locked away in a hallowed – sacred space
This space is sista gurl’s underbelly
The region where she is most vulnerable
Dang – this area is off limits

The energy of healing is only called forth
When there is something in need of fixing
And there is no off limits to self enlightenment
Almah – tall and striking – decked in red flowing robes
Gives her a grounding she has been missing for a long time
You need to be centred to your earth chile
This breakthrough requires fortitude

Aretha is sanging from that place beyond her gut
Felling mountains with her soulful rendition
“When evenin’ falls so hard
I will comfort you
I’ll take your part – oh when darkness comes
And pain is all, is all around
Just like a bridge over troubled water
I will lay me down”

And sista feels like dropping to her earth like a sack of potatoes
She thinks of her Grandmother – one of her soft spots
The woman who raised her – her bridge – her anchor – her mama
Sista buckles under the overwhelming emotion
Ripping through her – fortitude indeed!
She has felt orphaned in her passing since a little over a decade ago
Ten years and still she feels raw – a wounding that
Has not quite healed
But then she has also carried a lot of guilt and remorse
Over the way she treated her Granny throughout her life
The two of them got on like a cat and dog
She a bull and Hardliner a lion
Now looking back she struggles with the truth that
She was downright out of hand with her Granny
And wishes that she was a better behaved child
More loving – not so prickly around the edges
It’s funny though Hardliner muses
How karma has done a U Turn on her ass
Cause her daughter aint a leisurely stroll in the park either
With sass and attitude coming back at Hardliner tenfold
She half smiles – remembering what her Granny
Said about her having a child just like her one day
Lo and behold – the apple did not have to fall far
From the dayum tree – it is still on it!

You need to release your guilt Baby
Write your grandmother a letter
Ask her forgiveness
Nanna offers

That could work – Hardliner is open to this suggestion
If she could just go back
She would change so many things
The way she spoke back – all that defiance
Then an epiphany hits home – flooring her
She was an angry child!
Disbelief wars with this revelation
Was she an angry child?
No – she was happy most of the time
Despite her back chat and little temper
Which Hardliner chalks up to infantile behaviour

Really?
Dig deep chile
Ms. Almah is not having it
Open the vaults of your mind
Search your catalogue of childhood memories
There were times of emotional confusion
Times when you hurt your Grandmother with
Words of wanting to go back to your real mother
Remember you packing that little bag and stating
That you wanted to go back to England?

Lawd Ms. Almah how you be?
Hardliner objects – this is painful as hell
And if she could go back

You have been down that road already
Don’t get stuck in your story
You are acknowledging your childhood feelings
Your inner child was in the driver’s seat then
Connect with her
Hardliner I told you – this a bloody birth

Sista bristles against Ms. Almah’s real talk
Sweat dots her temples and forehead
Her body has begun the process of birthin this breakthrough
Through hell or high water – it’s coming

You will have to desanctify that sacred space of yours
Cut deep into that underbelly

Umph – Hardliner is stooping over her earth
Pushing this beast out
As she connects with Sweet Chile –
She feels all her emotions which were so confusing
To her at the time
Feelings of maternal abandonment – then anger with her Granny
For being there instead of her mother
For taking her away from her mother
Hardliner could understand the anger of her inner child
As an adult she could understand her Granny’s motives
But she judged her nevertheless
Lawd – this shit aint right
Hardliner shakes her head – still stooping
Still fighting this breakthrough
This is the woman who raised her – this aint right

But you also set her up in your eyes as the hero
Whilst your mother – the antithesis
Yes Lawd – Almah has taken charge of this session
And the fiery earth mother is beast
Digging up all Hardliner’s stuff – her ancient stuff’
Even the calcified shit!

You set her up baby – especially in her passing
You have beatified her
But now you need to take the blinders off
And see her as a human – who made mistakes
You are not disrespecting her memory
Or tarnishing her image by doing so
You are simply acknowledging the emotional impact
Of her actions on your life
Now you can view her in a new light
With a grown woman’s insight
Without the need to judge
Almah helps Hardliner to stand
And Rennah supports her by standing at her back
As she processes this breakthrough

When there is a crisis in her family
The first thought is to rescue the person in crisis
It is a pathology that is only now revealing itself to Hardliner
Her Grandmother rescued her daughter from
Having to raise a child without a father in a foreign country
But the real crux of this breakthrough is
The repetition of cycles – in that Hardliner’s Grandmother
Was not raised by her mother either
But by her aunt – her mother’s sister
Jeeeeze!

Her Grandmother was merely repeating
The patterns of her women kinfolk
Embodying the ideology of a village raising a child
But then that child still – being expected to have
Those warm – loving feelings towards a biological mother
Who is absent in their day to day life –
To a five year old child this is so damn confusing
And yes – there is pisstossity in that confusion too
So now – sista is stuck with this repressed anger and shit
The calcified kind
What does she do with it?

Do you want it?
Almah states in that matter of fact tone
That grates on Hardliner’s last nerve
But she aint gats the time to entertain it today

NO I don’t

Then let it go Baby
Nanna answers – her ever present grace
Washing over Hardliner in waves
Forgiveness heals all wounds
And you can start this process by releasing your Granny
You cling to her as though you are still a child
Pour your heart out in your letter
But first you have to forgive yourself
For believing that you were a bad child

Hardliner catches her breath
Another of Sweet Chile’s secrets revealed

Nanna with those soul piercing eyes – smiles knowingly
You were strong willed – you still are
But you were not bad baby
Your Granny did not believe that you were bad
This is a mistruth you told yourself – release it

Hardliner feels a peace wash over her
A lightness of spirit and she is thankful – so thankful

Ms. Franklin is laying it down too
“Your time has come to shine
All of your dreams are on their way
See how they shine?…”

Yes Lawd
Hardliner is in a better place
She has started the healing process
And she stands proud in the truth that she was raised well
By a formidable – God fearing woman
Who loved her like she birthed her from her own womb
She carries her Grandmother in her spirit
And she chooses not to be bowled over by feelings of loss
When she thinks of her – but instead is buoyed by joy and strength

“Look around, I’m sailing right behind
Just like a bridge – bridge over troubled water
I’ll be there to lay me down
Like a bridge over troubled water – I will lay me down
Ooooh I’ll be your bridge – yes I will”

Standing – rooted in her earth Hardliner feels joy
Yeh – Sista gon be alright