Rolling Hills Chronicles: Me, Myself and I

Standard

It has not gone unnoticed by Hardliner
That even on dreary days
With lightning slicing the sky amidst peals of thunder
Dem rolling hills still rock beauty
The smell of torrential rain clogs the air
Which is a nightmare about to bear fruit for a weave queen
Ignoring the churning in her stomach
Denial has her wondering how in the world
This diva is about to meet and greet a storm
The wind is picking up now – the rain is about to throw down
And there aint a dayum shelter in sight
Meanwhile Ms Rennah manifests serenity in looming chaos
She is a vision – garbed in flowing golden robes
Reminding Hardliner of a shaft of light piercing the gloom
The question posed to Hardliner by the Earth Mother guide
About the difference between being alone
And feeling lonely has been playing dodgeball in her mind
For an extended period – gifting her this here gut churning experience

Queue in pursed lips and salty disposition

They have been walking in disquiet silence for some time
Rennah has not encouraged Hardliner to inhabit
That open space of communication – aka emotional regurgitation
Sista gurl usually eschews –
Which incidentally she should be thankful for
But on some level – has her feeling miffed
And maybe a little deserted by the Earth Mother
Fine – she grumbles to herself
Ima walk with me – myself and I
I was born alone – I am good
And that affirmation dressed in bravado
Has spewed from her lips for as long as she could remember
Self-reliance in the fulfilment of her own emotional needs
Seeming as natural as drawing breath

All the independent queens say Amen

However – Hardliner has unearthed that in between breaths
Lies the nuisance of a need for emotional fluidity
And human connection
Sista winces – rubbing circles on her stomach
Knowing full well that the churning she feels
Exists way beyond her gut
Umph – here we go – the heavens have opened
Bringing a sudden chill with the downpour
Uh – Ms. Rennah a sista don’t do storms

This aint my storm baby – Rennah replies
Her stroll measured as though she aint gats a care in the world
Hardliner suddenly stops in her tracks
With shocked realisation plastered on her face
What the heyul!
Here she is looking like a wet cat in all this rain
And this diva is bone dry!

Like I said this aint my storm
All twinkles and smiles – Ms. Rennah continues her measured stroll
Leaving Hardliner to catch up with her
And you would count on measured being – unhurried – leisurely
Dawdling – heyl – slow
Naw – that measured gats some zest driving it
Cause Hardliner is struggling to keep pace with the Earth Mother
Dayum near panting
Ok what is the lesson here Ms. Rennah
Sister gurl stops – trying to get her breath on

Moving forward isn’t just about putting
One foot in front of the other chile
You need to take stock of where you are – address your mess
Then proceed with purpose

Well sometimes moving forward is simply putting one foot
In front of the other – to get your hustle on
Sista is feeling a wee bit combative

All smiles and twinkles gone – Ms Rennah levels her a firm stare
You know the drill chile – centre yourself
Find peace within your storm and stand in it

Standing there in the heavy downpour
With thunder detonating above her
Hardliner heaves a sigh of resignation before
Folding into deep breathing exercises
That game of dodgeball was a depletion of energy – she admits

Lesson 1 – evading a breakthrough is exhausting
Rennah adds softly – gently rubbing circles on Hardliner’s back
Which is blissfully soothing – until a wicked swell of nausea
Begins to jack up that place beyond her gut
Lawd have mercy – sista doubles over

Keep on breathing baby – Rennah counsels
The time has come to inhabit that space of
Emotional regurgitation

No shit – Hardliner mutters – feeling powerless in preventing
Her story from being expunged from her soul
And propelling itself through her larynx
To spew out of her mouth unrepentantly

Lesson 2 – Sprit don’t always play fair in getting you
To the place of reconciliation and healing

Umph

This is some Sweet Chile drama – Hardliner surmises
She feels drawn towards her inner child’s world
Of long-ass memories and long-held grudges
Sista pulls and pushes air in and out of her lungs
Trying to maintain her ground against the insurgent
Feeling to bolt instead of facing her inner child’s pain

Cause well – she is drenched all the way to her dayum knickers

And more importantly – she is tired of being driven by Sweet Chile
Her five-year old self who has influenced her patterns of thought
And behaviour – her judgements and perceptions throughout her life
Case in point – her once held view of marriage as unnecessary
Since independent and self-fulfilled women – such as herself
Could rock single motherhood

Cause well – she did not need no man

Umph – Hardliner closes her eyes with a shudder
Recalling that skewered view of the male/female relationship
Coming from a daddy-less little girl
Carrying the pain of abandonment and rejection
And who held a deep mistrust of and anger towards men
Which brings Hardliner to the startling realisation that
It was Sweet Chile who her husband married
And Sweet Chile who was in the driver seat in her marriage
Sometimes – nearly taking it over the edge of a precipice
Lawd have mercy – when she thought that she had chewed
Her daddy issues to death – she finds some more flavour
To proffer another breakthrough
And in the spirit of gratitude Hardliner is moved to
To apologise to her husband for allowing Sweet Chile
To batter him with her daddy issues throughout their union

Whoaaa gurl slow your role – you all slain in the spirit and what not
Ms. Ego is rankled – let’s take a rain check on that one

Breathe some more – Rennah’s gently encourages
Working that back massage
Slay your Ego and sit with Sweet Chile

Umph – like she gats a choice
Cause this inner child drama is already
Willing its way out of her mouth
Suddenly the thought of tapping her way through
This here verbal regurgitation comes to Hardliner
With thanks to God – she begins the Karate chop

“Even though I am experiencing the fear and hurt
Of my inner child – and her feelings of isolation
I deeply love and accept myself”

Moving on to tapping her eyebrows
Hardliner acknowledges that although
She relishes keeping company with her thoughts and feelings
She has used her alone time to isolate herself from people
Tapping the side of her eyes with mounting emotion
Hardliner acknowledges that Sweet Chile retreated to her own
Little world where she felt safe from the rejection and abandonment
She was sure to follow if she allowed people to get too close to her

In tapping underneath her eyes – beneath her nose
And her chin – Hardliner acknowledges that she carried
On building new worlds to inhabit into adulthood
Realising that she has never truly been present with anyone
Except her daughter – maybe because being a child
She poses no threat to Sweet Chile
It is forming and maintaining open connection with
Grown-ass people that terrifies Hardliner
Adults are magnificent liars – telling you one thing
Then doing another – can’t trust them no how

Hardliner falters for a moment – surprised by all this
Jacked up shit she has carried from childhood
Don’t stop – the Earth Mother’s voice calls her to the present
Although I tell myself I am good with being alone
The truth is… Rennah taps her collarbone urging Hardliner to follow

“I feel adrift and alone by myself in the world most times”
She then taps underneath her arm – “I am tired of depending on me – myself and I”

Tapping underneath her breasts with emotion swelling in her throat
She acknowledges – “I struggle with rocking single motherhood
And maintain a home alone – with my husband oceans away”

Oh God she gasps as the a-ha hits home
Talk about her ballsy rhetoric of not needing
A man to raise a child manifesting in her life

Come on chile – Ms. Rennah – coaches
Hardliner folds into an ugly cry when she sees
That the wise woman is now soaked to the bone
Right there with her in her storm – pulling her through the process like a midwife
Tapping her wrists against each other Rennah states…
Even at times I feel alone – I am not alone – I am never alone
Hardliner takes her queue from the guide
“I know that God is with me always – in his presence I am safe and never alone”

She then taps on the crown of her head
“I release the fear to connect with people
New experiences await me

I release the fear of being open to love”

Shaking out her hands vigorously – Hardliner feels lighter
Though she knows that she will have to do more tapping
And a whole lot more praying to walk all this here talk

Transformation don’t come overnight
But there is glory in every stage
Even going though thunder storms – Rennah smiles

The sun is holding court now in an azure sky
Hardliner notes that she is all dried out
With her feet been loved up by soft grass
She inhales deeply – the air carries the scent of lavender
Which carpets the vale spread far and wide before her
Sista can’t help but to feel optimistic
Something other that lavender is being carried
On the wings of the gentle wind
The Rolling hills have begun to sing
They are belting Sounds of Blackness’ “Hold on”
Ooooh and sista gats her misty eyes on
Cause that song fells her every time

Ready – the Earth Mother extends her hand to Hardliner
Who takes it as they begin their walk through the scenic vale
Eh which reminds me Ms. Rennah – about that apology…

Don’t spoil the mood chile

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