She has been here for a while now
Just sitting with Dewdrop – aka her adolescent self
Sista likes putting a name to things
Although this here situation with Sweet Chile to the right
And Dewdrop to the left of her is giving off
Multiple Personality Disorder vybes
She gats to be careful cause she don’t want Sybil all up in her dome
Anyway she’s here with Dewdrop trying to find peace
A while back Ms. Almah handed her the task to find out
‘What does she want from herself?’
Fucked up as it sounds – and yes she swore
She is a bit raw at the moment – having made the choice
To allow herself to break open like Pandora’s box
And God knows what delights gon spill out

There aint no ‘breaking open’ with your Ego
Still living its best life Boo

Ughhh – Hardliner turns to Ms. Almah
Emotional fatigue has her too tired for even an eye roll
Comply or resist is still do or be damned
So sista contends to sit in salty silence with Dewdrop
Still not knowing what to say and being ok with that
For now her thoughts will keep her company
As she takes on a private study of Dewdrop
Lawd have mercy – the child is wound up
This evokes a cringey unease within Hardliner
And so – she instinctively reaches to push it away
But not before acknowledging the pungent scent of resistance
A favourite eau de parfum of Ms. Ego
Ahhh – God is always right on queue – providing sista gurl with one of
His Come to Jesus opportunities to sort out her funk
Which is right now carpeting her rolling hills with an oppressive humidity
Reminding her of those high summer days back home
When the air’s heavy stillness – coupled with the heat of Hades
Did their dance to herald tropical storms
She sniffs the air nervously – yeh – we aint finna do that today
Sista already gats menopause grinding out funky ass hot flashes on a regular
She don’t need to go extra tropical
Hence Hardliner gets her deep breathing game on
She gon stand on business today
Cause she does know better – even if she don’t like it
First lesson learned: silence is cool – people have the need to
Fill it up with meaningless words to avoid the discomfort
Of being alone with their thoughts
And God knows Hardliner gets that – she gats too many
At times her mind is like a war zone – especially when Ms Anxiety
Unpacks all her shit with the intention of staying indefinitely
It suddenly occurs to her to ask Dewdrop what
Did she want from herself
Only to be answered by that quintessential teenage shrug –

Ok – that is soooo helpful – Hardliner murmurs

Silence invades their space once again
Yet Hardliner can’t seem to drop her present line of questioning
Her words clear with intent – war with the uneasy silence like a battering ram
C’mon Dewdrop – there has to be something that you want from yourself
Another shrug greets her – or more like dismisses her
Attempt to connect with the funky-assed child

Word of the day I see – Ms. Almah points out
She has been watching the interaction play out
Her ageless eyes devouring every thought – feeling and emotion

Hardliner sighs – her frustration threatens to make her say
Something funky – yes- it is her favourite word at the moment
Yet although this breakthrough is playing a game of cat and mouse
She gon stand on business – which for now is allowing
Silence and deep breathing to centre her
Hardliner surmises that Dewdrop is a mood
And in reading said mood – Hardliner comes to the realisation
That Dewdrop does not trust her or maybe even likes her

Well have you shown her that you can be trusted with her heart?

Hardliner looks at Almah cluelessly
Baby – your first instinct when you saw her
Was to run – if I was her – I would not trust you either

Ouch

Well come on chile – if someone constantly dismisses you
And goes out of their way to avoid you
Would you feel safe enough to share your truth?

Point – Hardliner concedes – feeling genuinely sad
About Dew’s rejection of her
Now things are on the other foot
She could understand where her adolescent self is coming from
Sit in this gurl – don’t run – she steadies herself by taking in
Deep measured breaths
Alright – she gats trust issues – what’s new
But Hardliner never truly examined her level of self-trust
Which she is now realising is dayum near close to ground zero
As this awareness takes up shop in her gut
Hardliner begins to unpack her toxic relationship with doubt
After all doubt is the absence of trust
And though uncomfortable to admit – sista cannot recall a time
When she has not second guessed a decision – an action
Her capabilities and capacity for growth

Dig deeper Boo – get to the underbelly 
Underneath all this – what do you believe about yourself Hardliner 
What beliefs about yourself fuel this self-doubt

Umph – she wants to run so bad

But your inner slave’s runaway days are over
She is on her remuneration land Loving and living her best life 
The red robed Earth Mother delivers that quip like whiplash

I see you gats favourite words too

Hardliner wipes sweat off her face as she struggles
In the oppressive heat that has gone up another level of gangsta
It is almost like this here humidity is squeezing all the water out of her
And Hardliner genuinely don’t know what to do

But you do baby girl – Almah says – gently rubbing circles on her back

Hardliner loosens her flow as dem circle rubs start to do a number on her
In this real moment she allows the breaking to expose her belief of unworthiness
Sista drops to her knees – Lawd she wanna run so bad

No baby – this is where the magic begins 
In this dark uncomfortable space – Almah is right there with her
She gently ushers Hardliner down to ground
In which a hole has been dug – lay prostrate on your Earth
Surrender your fear – confusion – pain
Lay on her bosom like you would on your granny
And release your burden in word or sound

And so here she is laying face down
Screaming like a banshee into her earth and getting her fugly cry on
Yet this is the sweetest release
From the heavy weight of the belief that she is unworthy
Unworthy of joy – love – grace – prosperity – blessings
Every fucking day is blessing to try something new
And in this very real moment Hardliner will admit that she has struggled
To believe at the soul level that she is deserving of it
Because she carries every criticism and judgement about herself into every new day
Aint no grace of a clean slate on Planet Hardliner
The sounds coming up from Hardliner’s gut tell a story
That surprises hell of out of sista gurl
She used to think that she kept her self-worth and self-trust game real tight
But then she chose to ignore the feeling gnawing her insides
That something was awf like days old takeaway
She knows there has to be a reason why she could
Never believe in herself enough to complete whatever she started
Moreover procrastination has sucked hours of her life that she can never get back
She knew something was awf because she could not put one
Foot forward without self-doubt shadowing her every move

And so it is – Hardliner is weeping and wailing for her dayum self
Not really knowing or caring what will happen next
She is living in this moment stone cold sober – pimping Pandora’s box
As she opens up to reveal truth trinkets that fuc-umph-freaking scare her
But a bit-umph-Jesus – a gurl gon be totally present nevertheless
Even if her mouth gon be funky
And that is the stuff true magic is made of