There is going to come a time baby
When you must stop running

Ms. Nanna’s words reverberate in her mind
They have been courting this overwhelming desire within
To truly abandon her run nigga run philosophy
As the approach to dealing with that little ability of hers
To roll with the type of folk who pass through walls and shit
Umph – she closes her eyes – stopping her jungle stroll
For a moment to centre herself amidst the nasty bout of
Spiritual nausea creating havoc with her equilibrium –
Not to mention her sanity
This – unease – this – this something – something unnatural
Smelling and feeling like a soul changing experience
Has descended on Planet Hardliner
Hitting all her deep places at once

And to top it all off – she gats that Billy Joel song –
“River of Dreams” tearing up her dome
“…I go walking in my sleep – from the mountains of faith
To a river so deep… but the river is wide
And it’s too hard to cross”
Its vibrations reaching and activating hidden places
That Hardliner wants to remain outta sight – outta mind
Dang – sista wants to comply to the urge to retch
But she knows aint nothing gon come up
Her chest is heavy as hell too
That shit aint playing fair
Sista is struggling for breath now
Heyul – she is busting a sweat!
What the f– umph!?!

That is the thing with spirit
It answers to no one –
And when it wants you… it gets you
And it don’t play fair in the getting

Lawd – that dayum song!
Somebody shut it off Hardliner shouts – a bit too desperately
For a diva of her stature
Needlessly Billy croons “and even though I know the river is wide
I walk down every evening and I stand on the shore
And try to cross to the opposite side
So I can finally find out what I’ve been looking for”

Sista glances over at Nanna in supplication
Whose eyes hold just a smidgen of amusement
Wash your face baby
You are a hot mess

Well – in a blink and two winks
Sista finds herself facing an expansive river
She stands there at its mouth – the water sublimely clear
Hardliner does not waste any time even thinking “how”
And far less on “come” – as to the specifics of this situation
She reaches for that sublimely clear water – yeh –
A little bit too desperately – splashing some on her face
Thinking that a person gats to have guts of Stone
To live in her world – and still – though – such stony courage
Never seems enough to carry her through
Well now – desperation is setting in for sista girl
She is a bawling – snot running ugly mess
And Billy is going on about “in the middle of the night
I go walking in my sleep – through the valley of fear
To a river so deep
And I’ve been searching for something”

That little splash aint gon cut it Chile
Go into that water – submerge yourself

Not a whine – no sass – not even a whimper
Hardliner takes to that water with an urgency
That puts desperation to shame –
Lawd – what is up with her today? – Hardliner questions –

Let go of yourself – Nanna instructs – suddenly at her side
Then without warning she ducks Hardliner’s head under the water
Hardliner comes up spluttering and splashing around
And is ducked again – unceremoniously
You see – you have to deal with the situation in kind
You need to wash away that energy of resistance
Nanna states prosaically as she ducks Hardliner’s head in once more
Spirit calls but you fight
This is a tug of war you cannot win chile
Your run nigga run tactic has only earned you a weak stomach
A sweat attack and palpitations
Drop your load Hardliner – resistance is heavy to maintain
It depletes you – weakens you
And negativity loves these dark places
Wash this energy off – cleanse yourself
Nanna ducks Hardliner’s head in the water
This time holding it down for a few seconds

Get clear baby – you are being called – answer

She pulls Hardliner up
No more manic splashing – no more spluttering – no more nothing
But blissful silence and the profound truth that Ms. Nanna is a G!
One thing though – that nausea – gone
But left in its wake is the knowing that she has must come to terms
With her various spiritual gifts – with dreamwalker
Being added to those – which is nothing new really
But the awareness of it in its entirety hits her differently

It has put things in a new light – a new perspective
Nanna offers

You could say that Hardliner muses
The world of dreams has been unfolding to sista since early childhood
And will continue to unfold until she crosses over
The last two decades has been a cray cray ride of lucid dreaming
And dreams in which she uses telekinesis
Or converses with various spirits including angels and shit
Hardliner closes her eyes in apology for her slippery hoe of a tongue
Angels and shit seems just a bit blasphemous
But dang it!
Her dreams have spooked the hell outta sista
Especially that little ball of white light zapping her ass – umph sorry
And taking her to some hill with a burial mound –
Reminiscent of a past life experience – uh huh – sista gurl
Has had many of those past life dreams
From the Native American spirit with whom she recognised as her father
And conversed with in their tongue
To that sweet little black girl swishing her full length skirt
As she stands in the middle of a dirt road with horse drown carriages
Evoking a nineteen century – barley outta slavery scene
So sue her if she sounds like she gats edge in her voice
Cause she never asked for all this – this – Hardliner bites
The funk off the tip of her tongue – wonderful magic!

The sarcasm is just as funky
Nanna cautions

Ms. Nanna – there is an energy of truth these dreams carry
The kind that is soulful – needing no authentication
But nevertheless I have struggled to deal with my authenticity
I continue to struggle
And I admit often – I have not been a willing participant
In those spirit driven dreams
Hardliner admits that decades of running from her gift has taken its toll
As Billy sings – “I don’t know why
I go walking at night
But now I’m tired and I don’t want to walk anymore
I hope it doesn’t take the rest of my life
Until I find what it is that I’ve been looking for”

Then stop running
Nanna advises – stop fighting the truth of who you are

She knows the truth
And it creeps her out – how else can she say this?

Get over it – Ms. Nanna snaps

I don’t understand it – I cannot control it
I can’t control when and how dem tings…

She finds herself under the cool water again
A womb-like space governed by serene silence
Where everything flows in slow motion
Sunlight plays on the surface of the water – it looks beautiful
And in that split second of bliss – she is pulled up – heaving heavily
Nanna sternly takes her in hand
There is steel in her voice now – this woman means business
How can you operate from the place of acceptance
When you address your spiritual guides as dem tings?
Knowing and accepting your truth is two different things
Making a mockery of it will not make it go away
When you think of who you as a whole being
You operate from the place of rejection and fear Hardliner – instead of power
And you carry this fear with you – such a heavy burden baby

But she cannot trust something she does not understand
All she knows is that she’s down with Jesus
Christianity don’t teach nothing bout talking to spirits
And energy healing or lucid dreaming and what not
I don’t trust it Nanna – I am scared
A control freak /psychic / medium / dreamwalker
And Gawd knows what else

God does not give you what you cannot handle
It may be an overused saying but it is the truth sugah
Take these labels off your back Hardliner
You are what you are – a spiritual being
Who is continually evolving into the fullest expression of yourself

But is this enough?
Aint no way she can validate her experiences
Or what she intrinsically feels and knows
People naturally question her validity?r

Nanna smiles – people Hardliner?
Why do you need to validate who you are?
Because this is what this boils down to
People demand proof to ease their own insecurities and fears
Of not being able to understand what cannot be explained
Placing faith in what you cannot see takes guts of stone
It demands you to reach out of your comfort zone
In essence you are rejecting your Ego mind – not common sense
When you affirm your belief in a higher power greater than yourself
When you affirm that you truly do not know everything
And that life is an open – limitless space
You get from it what you have the courage to ask for
If you carry fear and rejection baby – your world will only
Reflect your fears – and your dreams will be confined to that fear

Hardliner is mesmerised by the way the sunlight hits the water
Causing it to sparkle
And it draws her back to a dream she once had
Of diving in undulating aquamarine waters with a dolphin
Not without a moment of panic though – in reminding herself that
Sista cant swim
But that is where faith comes in – it allows her to reach
For possibility when everything around her screams impossibility
The way she views life is shaped by her gifts
And so what – not everybody can hang in her world
But because they can’t – it does not mean that it is inauthentic

Everyone on this Earth is different – shaped by their own experiences
And everyone has his/her path to follow
It is not your job to authenticate that path
Many are called Baby…

But few are chosen – Hardliner answers with a smile

Then accept this honour with gratitude
Nanna replies softly – her gaze reaches into Hardliner’s soul
And sista knows that she can’t run no more
Something inside her has shifted
Not that she is big and bad on courage or anything
Cause pee will always run down her leg where spirits are concerned
But there is a gravity now where emptiness once existed
There is a willingness to connect with her spiritual gifts

But we gon start with baby steps
Sista can’t jump in that ocean all buck wild right away
She is willing – but baby steps
Although she don’t like that mysterious smile Nanna is sporting
In no more than two blinks and a wink her sparkling river
Has disappeared – and the Earth Mother along with it
And sista is on her jungle trek once again
Humming to herself The River of Dreams –
Hardliner barely acknowledges this change in scenery
She gats that white boy’s soul to keep her company –
Until his mission ends that is
So is the way of spirit
Sang it Billy – “In the middle of the night – I go walking in my sleep
Through the desert of truth – to the river so deep
We all end in the ocean – we all start in the streams
We’re all carried along by the river of dreams…”