Yellow Brick Road Chronicles: Wide open spaces

Standard

The thing about running from personal issues
Is that it creates a blissful buffer
Against emotional discomfort and pain
It provides a wonderful numbed-out vacay spot
Which back in the day – before committing to
Living each moment of her life present
Hardliner would do on a regular
O.K – on the real – sista would lay down good root there
Like a scrub who refused to leave his mama’s basement
Until painful uprooting by her Irates

Well this here morning – sista gurl gats a feeling
An inyah-bones-James-Brown-typa-feelin’
For a fresh morning sprint – with the breeze
Hitting her face oh so right – and the sky rocking pure azure
So far she has avoided contact with the ice-blue
Intuitive eyes of her silver furred wolf guide
Forever roaming her mind – loping in and out of her shadow
And lucky for her the other – ever watchful guide – Nadie
Does not pimp loquacity

So all systems are a go for a run – but there is just one thing though
A gut-churning-chitlins-cooking-typa-stench
Is choking up the air on Planet Hardliner
And that oh so right breeze has suddenly turned on her
By fanning the chitlins funk – jacking up her insides
Hardliner don’t want no part of the breakthrough
That is about to hit her dome
But every time she tries to run –
That oh so right little breeze – wafts some more funk
Of that vile chitlin’s brew her way

She takes in this moment of reckoning
However salty she be about it
She has been banned from setting up camp in Emo.Numb Ville
Now a sista gats nowhere to go

“Serves you right – enters Ms. Ego – Queen of resurrection
Her pugnacity already exploding out of the gate
“Well you vowed to show up in your life
Inhabit all those off coloured – funky spaces
And those sour spots just fixing to do a number
On your nervous gut!
So why you runnin’ Boo Boo?
Look at you – bitch slapped by chitlins funk
Done look cross-eyed already
This breakthrough gon jack you up –
But be present with the jacking now
Serves you right I tell you!

Hardliner’s gut is churning with doubt and anxiety
She lets out a wail – tinged with just a bit of desperation
Hoping to release the frustration and inner turmoil bubbling inside
However she knows it is not enough to relieve
The dull ubiquitous spiritual ache in her being
Stemming from her refusal to allow vulnerability
To transform her world – through her relationships
With family – friends and even herself
Sista has followed a pattern of emotional evasion
Since childhood – laid down by Ms. Ego
When things shake her emotionally – as in witnessing
Human suffering caused by death – illness – trauma – RUN!!
When she has to speak her truth – raw – dirty – vulnerable
Aside from expressing pisstossity – RUN
When she is called to be emotionally fluid – i.e. shed
Dem salty tears – much less fold into an ugly cry –
Bitch you betta RUN!!

Despite her resistance to this latest breakthrough
Hardliner admits that she is still a slave to Ms. Ego’s law
And it dawns on her that she is a slave to
Many destructive behavioural patterns
Dang – how many more house slaves she gats to free?
Or maybe her house slave – the one she thought
She already freed – is really a composite of various
Issues that Hardliner has evaded
Gawd dayum – she still gats a house nigger on her hands!
Jeeeeeeze – this is too depressing!
Sista gurl plops like the centre of a cake – onto the Yellow Brick
Her mind blank – chitlins funk jacking up her gut

Maybe it is not the stench of this breakthrough
You smell – but fear of it – Little sister

Hardliner turns to look into the ice blue eyes of
The noble sliver furred wolf at sitting at her side
The meaning of his words resonate deep within
She comes to the startling realisation that
She fears being open to hurt caused by sharing
Moments of sorrow or loss with anyone
She does not want to stand – wide open – in a moment
With anyone who is suffering and can’t do anything
To fix their situation

You feel powerless – Nadie wisely states

Yeh – Hardliner acknowledges – nevertheless this truth
Is not easy to swallow

But that is a lot of pressure to put on your shoulders little one
Fixing people is not your business
You are not here to fix  your family – friends
The world – even yourself
You are here to listen – comfort – support
And yes – let your heart break for those who
Seek these things from you
Life calls you to inhabit the rawness of a moment
Knowing that it is O.K to let your heart break
For in the breaking there is healing
In the breaking you find courage and strength

Hardliner blankets herself in silence
As she processes her latest truth
When she rocks strong and capable – gurlfriend is superwoman –
Letting her heart break is another matter
She has not even done this with herself
In those moments alone – feeling broken – weak
Home gurl has never allowed her heart to break for herself

Your inner slave is obsequious to many pathological wheels
This pattern of emotional evasion
May have been defended and even constructed
By your Ego
But what pathology does it serve?
Nadie probes – her gentle presence – lulling

Hardliner envisions a placid stream meandering on its way
To join a river – that empties out into a wide ocean
So too is the journey of life – a state of constant evolution
A journey that is unfulfilled and lifeless without
Emotional connection and human communion
No one can evade that – not even the indomitable Hardliner
This reckoning humbles her
And she acknowledges that as a little girl
She was not given the emotional landscape to operate
In the openhearted space she so craves now
Oh Gawd – she groans –
This breakthrough is just plumb full of these little aha suckers

Stand in your truth Hardliner
Nadie counsels – begin – I want to …

Hardliner rolls her eyes with a sigh
I want to operate in the space of openheartedness
She acknowledges the quaking in her bones
But knows it is the only way to living an authentic life
2016 – started slow and nondescript
Aint no fireworks exploded in her spirit
There was no victory shuffle
But the breakthrough surged around the corner like a tsunami

It is time to break this wheel little sister
Silver Shadow is on his feet – signalling Hardliner to do the same

It has not been the custom in her family
To communicate about deep issues without heat or judgement
Basically they lack the emotional language to do so
Oh – they are good at fighting and arguing – defence and offense
And play the shame and blame game expertly
Her family don’t talk about touchy feely stuff
They are not an emotionally open bunch
Although Hardliner did know she was loved
There was no affirmation – no I love yous
Hugs and kisses came at Christmas time – and when
Folks were travelling abroad
Dang – this is her shit?
Albeit she takes comfort in knowing that
She has built a new wheel to pass on to her daughter
I love yous and kisses abound
In retrospect this new wheel gats some decayed looking
Spokes that she took from the old wheel
Her little girl is argumentative – loud and defensive
Just like her mama – and Hardliner don’t know exactly
How to remove these decayed spokes from her new wheel

They stand side by side – gazing out into the distance
Nadie turns to face her charge – her eyes warm
Show your child that you are willing stand fully in
Life’s messy moments – that require tears
Show her that it is O.K to express feelings
Of upset and anguish
And that in these moments you are not weak
But courageous and strong
For they offer gifts of self-compassion and forgiveness
Show her – little one – that running from your emotions
Denies you the privilege of being a gift
To someone in a time of crisis
And that you miss the opportunity to evolve
By learning all you can from the experience

That chic don’t talk much –
But when she does – it usually incites an ugly cry within her
She closes her eyes in contentment – as that
Little-oh-so-right breeze loves up her face
All clean – fresh and fragrant
Which gats Hardliner thinking of lemon drops
Her eyes fly wide open with recognition – good Lawd!
Pigtails?!
What the hell is that cray cray heffa up to now?

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