Rolling Hills Chronicles: Anxiety Dance

Standard

2019 was the year that Anxiety showed up and
Showed out in Hardliner’s life
Up until then it had always lurked in the shadows
But became ‘that bitch’ in 2019
Putting a beat down – all ‘Arya Stark’ mode on her ass
Which lead to gurlfriend popping anxiety pills at night
Just to get her sleep right
Basically – sista gurl spent most of 2019 witnessing
Her life bleeding out in shades of grey
And she only has one freaking question
What the heyul happened to her life?
The one that she envisioned winning three and a half years ago
Her victory dance has become a death waltz

“Oooooh chile aint that a bit much?” – voice with a musical lilt
Infuses the air as Ms. Rennah appears at sista’s side
And before Hardliner could adjust to this situation
Another voice comes through – “it’s the song of the Drama Queen
And if that experience don’t kill you – the bad acting sure as hell will”

Oh God – just take a sista out now
Hardliner moans as Almah becomes corporeal before her eyes
The fire-breathing-tornado-wielding and earth-quaking diva
Is already out of the gate and eager for battle
“Always with you and not against you” – the Earth Mother replies
Her wise eyes taking inventory as she meets sista gurl’s stare
For what seems like an agonisingly long moment before asking
“What are you going do about your dance with Anxiety chile?”

Naturally the first response – birthed by fear and suspicion
To fly out of Hardliner’s mouth is “I don’t know”
Never mind the KNOWING gnawing her gut that the answer
She seeks lies deep within her – most likely a sista gats to
Dig up some calcified shit to get to that answer
So Hardliner is now faced with another Matrix moment
Keep popping dem anxiety pills – aka blue pill – aka stay-the-hell-where-you-at
Or to pick up the shovel that has miraculously appeared at her feet
And start digging her earth – aka red pill
Aka seeing-life-in-vibrant-colour-once-more
The Earth Mothers wait patiently as Hardliner weighs her options
Dayum Morpheus she sucks her teeth and picks up the shovel

Yall trippin

“You need to change your attitude little girl
But then you know that already”

Almah retorts – her quakes keeping Hardliner off balance

Yeh she chose the red pill – but she don’t have to like it
“In life there are a lot of things you don’t like
But you have to do anyway”
– Ms. Rennah’s voice is soothing
Amidst the rumbling and trembling of Hardliner’s earth

Sista’s grassland look downright mean
Pimping every shade of grey
The air is frigid and carries a pugnacious little wind
Rennah looks out and over sista’s rolling hills
Her amber robes – a stark contrast against the surrounding grey
“How long has it been since your hills last sang?”
She asks in with a supernatural calm amidst the chaos in the grassland
God knows – sista mumbles despondently
The truth is that she aint heard squeak from dem hills
So much happened this year
She finally put down root in moving into her flat
But then came the bitch slap in bills – in every direction
Heyul – let’s be honest – dem bills nearly put her in a coma

“But you made it” – Ms. Rennah states
Yeh – she survived it – but has she thrived? – Hardliner muses
Has she shown up in her life this year?
She takes that lonely walk down memory lane – revisiting her no-shows
Gym – no show
Journaling – no show
Reading to elevate her mind – no show
Bitching about a lowly paid job – every-dayumed day
But looking for new a new job – no show
Daily prayer – sometimes – hell who is she kidding – no show
So in essence – Hardliner + life= no-freaking-show

“Are you digging your grave
Or digging up those hardened issues that
Hold you back from seeing your life in colour
Step out of the self-judgement Hardliner
Take in deep breaths and deal patiently and lovingly with your earth”

Almah steps in – her fire gutting Hardliner’s dome

Sista obeys – puling and pushing air out of her lungs
Putting her back into the digging
After a while she finds good rhythm
In this space Hardliner acknowledges that
That anxiety is her family’s demon – it is in their DNA
Dayum near every member of her clan has experienced illness
Associated with anxiety
It is like nervous electrical current running through her
The same energy she senses in her kinfolk
Throbbing in her ears slows her rhythm
And brings attention to a melody travelling across her rolling hills
Her anxiety over the tinnitus that has taken up shop
On Planet Hardliner takes a back seat for now
To a melody growing clearer until the mumble of lyrics
Resonate in her being
Donald Lawrence is holding court in her Grassland
With Deliver Me featuring Le’Andria Johnson
“He leads me beside still waters
He restoreth my soul…”

Umph
Hardliner drops her shovel to clasp her midriff
Dem Earth Mothers gon real thug in this breakthrough
Yall gon throw Le’Andria Johnson at a sista
By the time Ms. Lee-Lee hits her second ‘Lord Deliver Me’
Hardliner has it her earth – her heart wide open

“Jesus is Lord Baby gurl – he don’t play no games
He comes so that you may have life and live life more abundantly”

Alma is in warrior mode – her eyes shining with an unearthly light

“Pick up that shovel and dig baby” – Rennah adds softly

Hardliner draws strength from Le’Andria’s powerful war cry
“Lord Deliver me – cause all I seem to do is hurt me
Hurt me, yea”

In the first striking of her earth Hardliner acknowledges
Stomach ailments – asthma attacks – hypertension – panic attacks
And then there is that bad beast – depression
Have been thugging her family out for years

“So which of those are you Boo?” Almah asks

In this moment of sublime truth Hardliner acknowledges
That apart from panic attacks and her history with hypertension
Depression is right up there
Denial feels so right in this moment – right alongside the truth
It is hard for this diva to admit that she battles depression

“Why?” – Almah faces her pouring strength and courage into her
Because it makes her feel

“Personalise baby” – Rennah interrupts

I feel powerless – weak
Umph – Hardliner sits with that little truth for a while
Ms. Ego don’t do powerless well
So instead she pimps denial rather than seek help
Dang sista wants to run – yet one look at Almah
Is enough to remind her that she believes in and knows too much
WORD to punk out on this breakthrough
Sista picks up the shovel – buoyed by a faith
Suddenly lit within her bones
By now Le’Andria has gon beast on the song
Brining colour to Hardliner’s grassland
And she sees all the faces of her depression clearly
Fatigue – always with the utterance of I’m so tired
Not wanting to talk to people
Not sleeping well
Panic attacks
Generally feeling overwhelmed
Depression has had her in a headlock
But Hardliner is ready for her exodus

And so sista gurl puts that shovel to work like a warrior
Until she hits something – hard earth with rocks and stones
The calcified shit – her bedrock – the domain of Sweet Chile
Her five-year old self who is the keeper of her fossilised issues
And it is strange that right now pee is running down her leg
At the thought of dealing with this here anxiety issue at its root
But her Grasslands have opened up – light flooding its rolling hills
They are singing once more
‘…this is my exodus – thank you Lord‘
And sista falls to her knees in gratitude – with her head bowed
Arms outstretched and pimping a fugly cry
All she can say right now is thank you Lord
Spirit is moving in her Grassland –
She has yet to reach for Sweet Chile and knows that
Their talk aint gon be pretty
This conversation with her inner child will be a breakthrough in progress
But Hardliner is grateful all the same for getting to this point
She finally believes that everything is going to be alright
Her dance with anxiety has not snuffed out the light in her grasslands
And for that – all she can utter is thank you Lord

One thought on “Rolling Hills Chronicles: Anxiety Dance

  1. A very brave post. Raw and brave. I am sorry depression and anxiety have reared their heads in your life…especially as you have navigated so many big changes these last few years. But here comes the light and the reckoning and the breakthrough!

    Like

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