So unimpressed

With lips pursed Hardliner comes up with the no brainer
That this here breakthrough is the water making kind
She stands there – did she mention unimpressed –
With an empty bucket and dry-ass mop
Trying to figure out how she gon squeeze water from this experience
She could lay prostrate before her alter in supplication to God
About this pharaoh-type-edict-of-making-bricks-without-straw situation
But Hardliner can practically taste the pugnacity in her aura
And pimping prostration before the Great I Am is a mockery
That even Ms. Ratchet will not cosign to
So she is back to being consoled by unimpressed
Until she can figure this shit out
Yall tripping if yall think Ima bleed out this here water

Despite all her wisdom and education
Hardliner can be slow at times in arriving at the place of complete surrender
Well those times when she steps into Ms. Ego’s world
Case in point – present day
The sun is presiding over her rolling hills
But sista aint into the scenery – she has set the intention on
Courting an insurrection of her inner ratchet – ‘aka’ Ms. Ego’s assassin
In response to her drought situation
But the heffa aint budging – it seems Ms. Ratchet has tasted salvation
And knows from where she gets her saving grace
So the assassin has laid down her weaponry

Gawd dayumed

When you know better – you do better – comes the retort
Yet Hardliner – the slow one – does not register it
For she – is shooketh
The audacity of Spirit to snatch all her rachetossity
Right now sista embodies that definition of crazy –
Doing the same thing over and over to yield the same results
In reaching for her ratchet yet once again – only to yield thundering silence
Not even the sound of crickets – can be heard across her grasslands
She turns this way and that – with mop and bucket in hand
Not one damn cricket!
Just an unyielding – heavy – silence
That seemingly amplifies sista gurl’s pettiness
Which in turn makes her want to scream – what do you want from me?

Then do it and get it over with
Then after ask yourself – what do I want from me?

Ok the lights are one now as Hardliner recognises
The presence of the red robed Earth Mother – Alma
Outta all the Earth Mothers – why does she always
Get saddled with that fire woman/
Although she is peeved awf and looking for a fight
She knows aint no parts of her can go toe to toe with Almah
So she resorts to a glum stare down of the mop and bucket instead

Finally the Earth Mother responds – you’ve got the gift of
Your 15year old self in front you
True prostration starts with you not looking
This gift horse in the mouth
As you observed this breakthrough is the water making kind

The answer is in the question – Hardliner smiles inanely
As the thought comes to her
Damn – when she thought this shit could not get more abstract
But as she rips this thing open sista acknowledges
Her resistance to unearthing what it is that she really wants from herself
Stems from knowing that she will have to decide
What she is willing to do how far she is willing to go to get her life
That more than anything scares her – because she does not know
Whether she has enough belief in herself to accomplish it
She breaths deeply instead of acquiescing to the urge to drop the bucket
Standing flat footed on her earth – Hardliner stares into the eyes
Of her adolescent self who reminds her of a dew drop
She does not know why – the thought comes unbidden

Maybe it is because of the purity sista sees in her 15year old self
But Hardliner also acknowledges the parts of Dewdrop
She has carried into adulthood – the parts that feel icky

Umph – that child needs a hug – she muses

So what’s stopping you? Almah asks in a matter-of-fact tone

Huh?

Chile give yourself a hug – you feel her confusion
Her pain and loneliness – comfort her

Hardliner don’t know how she feels about that mushy stuff
Yet she also acknowledges that this is resistance laying
Down its foot on the neck of her breakthrough
The thought comes to her that she is uncomfortable
Because she views fragility as weakness
The pain – confusion – inner chaos – fear emanating
From her adolescent self is palpable and Hardliner
Don’t like to see that weakness in herself
The same weakness she has carried like designer luggage into womanhood

Lawd have mercy
Where the hell did that came from?
And oh look – here come the first drops of water from her tear ducks
Hardliner reminds herself to breath through sudden panic
How can she make this better?
Sista is looking for an easy way out of this here painful situation

No baby this aint the time for running
There aint no quick Kumbaya fix for this
You have to be present in this moment
If the weight of this breakthrough makes your knees buckle
Don’t fight it – sit on your earth and feel this thing out
True strength is not being a Hard Ass chile
True strength is allowing yourself to feel vulnerable
Without self-judgement or fear
It is about finding compassion for your self
Baby gurl you have to allow yourself to break

Hardliner does not know how to break
She has been practicing her version of strength for so damn long
She sits there on her earth staring into Dewdrop’s eyes
With that stare reflected back to her
She does not know what to say
So sista gon just sit here and allow herself to be broken open
She looks at the bucket next to her
It’s already half full