Life on the outside chronicles: The knowing

Standard

The knowing simply is
The one constant that Hardliner cannot
Change – ignore – deny – invalidate
She knew eventually that she would have
To come crawling back to the Irates
Crawling back to the knowing
And she thought that she was being too hardcore
On the matter of her perceived injustices
But in the end as she knows – she aint just anyone
So now what?
How does she reconcile with this thing
How can she separate her own icky-ness from
The beauty in seeing ether beings
Dayum – she could imagine it now
Coming out to the world – living fully in her skin
Bursting at the seams to announce – I see dead people
And Ima do this for a living – heyul no!

“You always start off so well Hardliner
And then that mouth” her Irates retort exasperatedly
When she crawls – she comes on her own terms
“Always striving for control – but that’s another show
Why are you here boo?
You have crawled back to the knowing – why?’

Hardliner don’t like the sudden change in direction
That this session is taking
It smells like another break thru that is gonna come
With a lot of blood and sweat – like a jacked up labour
And right now she aint into no birthin’ drama
Honestly – she does not know why she came back
Except for the ubiquitous spiritual ache that
Is beginning to make her cross-eyed
Are we really gonna do this now?

“Do you really want an answer?” comes the reply

Oh God here it is – the first contraction
Bitch-ass! – bitch-ass –
She aint gonna say it – bitch-ass!

“Why are you here baby girl?” the tone even more
Gentle

And that is not going down well with Hardliner either
Especially with dem contractions threatening to
Permanently blind her

“Maybe that’s what you need – to see with
Your inner eye – than the two in your head
You need to discern the metaphysical rather than
To concentrate on seeing the physicality”

Holy shit – they gon drop that on her now

“Why are you here Hardliner?”

Maybe it is her imagination but sista-girl
Feels a shift in gravity with the Irates
The I Am coming to the fore
So she waits – contemplating her next move
Maybe?
Should she?
Cause the rules in this game done changed on her
Yeh waiting would be good right now cause she
Don’t gats no answers
But then why has she begun to calmly breathe
Through the jacked-up contractions
Why is she suddenly handling this drama
The knowing – like knowing that she is strong enough
To see the metaphysical and discern her visions
She was built for the knowing – so why fight it?
Hardliner is a prize fighter for just causes and lost causes
That’s all she knows how to do – her will to resist is so strong
The need to preserve herself is so strong

“But why do you feel the need to preserve
To be stagnant – never evolving – never growing
Preserve to what ends Hardliner
The same will you exude for ill could be used for good
You could move oceans baby girl
If you would just acquiesce to the knowing”

She can’t trust in it
Who is she really entrusting herself to – God or the Devil
Yeh you know Voodo is a deceptive bitch
How do I know that I am not dabblin in evil
When I accept the presence of spirits in my life
I gats issues with that – serious issues

“What do you feel when you encounter those spirits
Evil has a smell and a taint to it
No matter how sweet and beautiful it appears
You were built with the knowing to recognise good and evil
Fear is poison – it draws and harnesses bad energy
Haven’t you realised that your fear distorts reality
It keeps you striving to clasp fists of air
How can you hold air baby girl
It belongs to the great I Am – it sustains you
You do not own it – cannot control it
Or dictate its flow in your life
You know within yourself why you are here – let it out”

Hardliner is too tired to fight
Right now she is crowning and the pain
Makes her wanna go AWF – crack-head crazy AWF
This break thru is a bitch

“Only because you fight its entrance
You are fighting to hold onto the beliefs
And knowledge that shaped you
You are fighting your innate desire
To venture into unknown realms
Because the knowing answers only to the Calling
And the calling has your name and all your aliases
It even gats addresses that you don’t know exist”

But how does she trust?
Cause she dam near lost her eyesight with this pain
Right about now – sista girl is seeing humility metaphysically
How do I trust the knowing
Is there a button I press to attain this trusting
Of things I am not familiar with
All I know is that I am down with Jesus
Although I know that there is MORE than Jesus
Because he humbled to this nothingness to become the anointed

“Surrender simple
Surrender to your internal wisdom
And for God’s sake pray – woman!
You are lazy – trifflin and disobedient!
Get your behind  up at 4 in the morning
As you are supposed to and pray
Yes you are rebellious to this mandate
But that is the only way things will move in your world
Pray – pray – pray!!!
When the feeling of sublime comfort hits you in the bed
Rebuke the sucker and get up
When the noise is so loud in your head during meditation
Don’t give up – patience is not overrated
Look at it this way – when you meet someone for the first time
Do you immediately trust them?
Trust is built and earned with time – dedication
And repetition is the mother of skill
But most of all will it into your life
You must be willing to trust
You have some deep control issues Hardliner
The Power of One served you when it was needed
Now you know better it’s time to let it go
Your father’s actions may have cemented certain
Notions about trust for you
But cement can be broken and dug up
Trust that the Universe has your back
Know that you can drop all your load – dem Louis Vuitton bags
Including the secret Hermes Birkin you carryin
Drop it all – even your physical being
Risk falling into nothingness without worry
Knowing that your fall will be broken by the Great I Am
Acquiesce to the knowing”

Hardliner’s vision is clear now
She feels the familiar tightening
In the centre of her forehead
And she comes into awareness that
The pain ripping out her insides is gone

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