Misdemeanor Diva Chronicles: Red-boned and Raw

Standard

Down to the bare bones of the thing
Most of Hardliner’s relationships have been
Built on a phantom of her authentic self
Few know the real Hardliner and at times
She does not even count herself as one of these few
She don’t mean to be so dire but the last therapy session
Has her left her feeling red-boned and raw
A homecoming to disarray and disillusion

Maybe it is the lazy talking
Hardliner is a lazy biatch – no shit
She will avoid any kinda labour if she has to

“Fitting into skintight leather is not pretty baby
The self you abandoned during your pubescent years
Is not the someone you trying re-inhabit now
You’re a grown woman coming into your authentic self”

At forty

“Aint never too late – what is the rush Hardliner
Enjoy the process
It is painful – damn near excruciating at times
But you know that you would never go back
To what you were before this experience
Pain equals growth”

That is for certain – Hardliner mumbles – clearly disgruntled
Its like being skinned – down to the bone – red and raw

“But think about that newborn skin waiting to
Encase these wise old bones” her Irates counter

Yeh – forty is the new twenty
But Hardliner gats to admit
She is enthused about her upcoming milestone
Something good is around the corner
She can smell it and she kinda a feelin it
She also understands before all this sweetness
Hits her dome – she gats to deal with her raw – redbones
Painful ass shit – every time the winds blows

“Maybe you should open your badass mouth
And wail when that happens
When someone tries to whip up some wind
On those tired bones
What do you normally do Boo?”

Hardliner winces

“Come on now – call a thing a thing
Check for your big girl panties”

Hardliner knows she’s a wuss
When it comes to telling it like it is
Lion in her own home – and no where else
That analogy has haunted her

“And the truth will set you free”

What does knowing about it gats to do with anything
I still run from shait – including sticking up for me

“So if you don’t do it – who gon do it for you”
Her Irates counter
“Aint that one of your golden rules
Being badass on purpose”

There aint no place to hide
Hardliner wants to pull a Houdini right now
All around her the walls she constructed
With her indomitable will – blood – sweat and anger
Are crumbling to reveal her various trufs

“One truth baby girl” the Irates’ gentle
Voice soothes her into acceptance

The truf is that she’s a phantom – her persona a beautiful lie
This truth is hard to digest for Hardliner
And she would soooo love numb out on this truth
She would love to run out on the sublime discomfort
She is feeling right now

“Will the real Hardliner please stand up” the Irates announce
Not that person built on an empty bravado
So that she can be comfortable with herself in the mirror
That woman standing squarely in her truth without pretense
Who is willing to walk her life authentically – whatever it may be
And damn Ego’s fortress of indomitable will – blood – sweat and anger
This is you Boo – come out into the light”

If it wasn’t for the panic attack tripping her mind
Right about now – she would be comatose

“Breathe deeply Hardliner
We are right here with you
Dem wise old bones can take this
You can take this because you are more than this
The process of evolution can be painful
But it is also beautiful”

Beautiful?
But what about the cray cray mixed up in all
This evolution business?
Yall aint open about that one
Cause it is unfolding before her very eyes
All her beautiful cray cray shit
Hardliner winces from the pain in her tired bones
What the heyul is she doing – what is she doing this shit for?
Oh yeh – she is a masochist!

“You can’t stall this breakthrough – so quit trying
This is a reflex response
Your mind will rebel against you trying to
Ferret out its deepest secrets
And you too on some level are fearful of exposing
Your core toxic beliefs
Take some deep breathes chile – get centered
Get clear about what you are about to do”

Yeh cause there is only one way in and no way out
Of this here frick – frack – freaking rabbit hole
Hardliner is pissed – albeit she is inhaling and exhaling
Like she be possessed
This thing has stolen her mojo
Look at her – all sweat out and heaving
She is a hot mess of fear right now
What yall want man?
She screams at her Irates – pain ripping through her

“To call a thing a thing Hardliner – what is it
That you don’t what to face about yourself
Birth it out Boo – you are crowning – come on ”

Her Irates have taken things up a notch
As they seem to tee-off on her like a Mama going awf on her child

She is a people pleaser

“Personalise it Boo – I”

Umph – Jesus!

I am a people pleaser
I am that chick who fears rocking the boat
I fear rejection and censure
I crave validation and acceptance

Hot dayum – she cant take no more
But still the revelations come – fast and fucked up
I am that chick who slays the role of poor little victim
Oooooh – that revelation was a beast of a mutha
Dayum excruciating
Now her bare bones are on the way to Crack Ville

“And what does it serve –
The need to have people like you?”

Her Irates are impervious to Hardliner’s drama
Much to to her chagrin – which motivates her inner ratchet
To up the funk in her dome

What the fuc…
But suddenly sista is snatched up by a rather
Brisk – cold – no nonsense wind
Coming outta no where
Slapping the black off her – seeping through
Her red-raw bones and down into her soul
Eliciting a wild scream from sista gurl
And a nigga run by her inner ratchet

Oh – her bones are cracking!
Oh Gawd – she gon die!!!
Lawd Jesus!

“Oh shut up – you’ll live”

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