Valhalla Chronicles: Beef

Standard

]Who are you trying to fool Boo?

Their voice bespeaks wisdom
The very same kind that illumined Grandma’s eyes
Which could see past all the bullshit and straight
Into the bow-yo (core) of a person
Judging by that no nonsense approach from her Irates
Their brand of wisdom gats the tart taste of Grandma’s wooden spoon
That offered its priceless pearls in a painful way
And being the misdemeanor diva she is
Hardliner is most familiar with the latter

You are familiar with running away from things
You deem too heavy and messy
Like your family pathology that keeps you a slave to
To repeating self-destructive patterns of behavior

Dang yall!
Ouuuuch – Hardliner massages her arm – attempting to soothe
The sting delivered by that wooden spoon
Pull Madea back – I am a grown ass…

Whaah-tap!
The spoon – liberally imparts some more pearls
As it soundly connects with her jaw before the sass
Can fully escape her mouth
Now aside from the glittering stars dancing before her eyes
And the taste being knocked out of her mouth and all
Or maybe just the sheer shock from being whooped old school
Sista gurl hears with sublime high fidelity clarity
The old negro spiritual Oh Freedom – tearing up her dome

“Oh freedom, oh freedom, oh freedom over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in my grave
And go home to my Lord and be free”

Her knees buckle and then hit the floor
As the song reaches for ancestral threads that
Weave the very fabric from which she is made
Terrorised by a cold sweat – Hardliner is too shaken
To bitch about this jacked breakthrough

You are dealing with your family pathology Boo
This involves digging up your foundations
That will herald soul racking tremours
This breakthrough aint for the faint hearted
But very necessary if you really want to evolve into your higher self
You get to trace your patterns of behavior
To their origins and then you break free from their shackles

As if on cue “Oh freedom” goes up a couple of decibels
Lawd – dem slaves are slaying their freedom song

“No more moaning, no more moaning, no more moaning over me
And before I’d be a slave, I’ll be buried in my grave…”

On her knees Hardliner can’t see any way out of this situation
This is how the Universe makes her surrender
Fine – she gon do it his way

Inwardly Hardliner knows that her second generation’s excuse
For flight from the toxicity bubbling in her family
Aint really flying nowhere except to fling blame at the first generation
Who have built a destructive and dangerous energy force field
Around life force of the family
Bottom line – every family gats their drama
Hardliner’s family is no different
To her that was just them and their cray cray mess

Yet you have been right there in the midst of it all
This drama has molded you Boo
It has given birth to your behavioural patterns

True dat – Hardliner admits
Albeit now the drama smells more rancid with advancing age
The dynamics and schisms among her kinfolk seem so inconsequential
When placed in the limitless space of life and death
Bottom line – life aint worth drama
It took her uncle’s death for it to resonate within her
When persons carry heavy stuff in their hearts and spirits
And they are unable to find healing before they die
They carry that shit with them
The experience of his death – helping him to crossover
With prayer for forgiveness and thanksgiving for his life
Has forever altered her
Yeh – she’ll admit that her Oda Mae Brown situation has its beauty

Boo respect the gift of sight you have been given
Let that truth resonate within your being

The old spiritual is reverberating in her core
Sending shockwaves throughout her body
Her delay tactics of resistace cannot stop the process
Lawd help her – the beef is thick in her family
They hold it close to their ch…

What about your beef Boo her Irates interject
This is your breakthrough – this is about you

But see – she was taught not to acknowledge or express
Her discontent with family elders cause
Well – she is a child and they are adults
But being a rebel that she was – she kinda said her piece anyway

Spewing out sass is different from divulging your
Sacred inner emotions and hurt Boo
You were taught not to go deep
You were taught to skirt around the issue with fighting words
Rather than expose it in the glaring light of truth
Without anger – bitterness – judgment or resentment

Hardliner takes a deep breath – how does she do this

Call them out

What – start naming names – she aint in the blame game

Hardliner you have issues with certain members
Of your clan that you must release
Names are of no import but the impact of their actions
On your life is what matters
What did they teach you and how have you
Applied these lessons in your everyday life
When you answer these questions you will see how
Your family pathology has shaped your life
And then you will have the opportunity to change the flow

Lawd Jesus
O.K. – she learnt fear of authority from her late uncle
His so called discipline created a nervous cesspool within her
She had to be perfect around him and never felt that she
Was good enough – cause she was strong willed and sassy
So she avoided him as much as possible to stay peaceful
Which was her modus operandi until the time of his death
Now despite being showered with toys and trinkets
Hardliner learnt that she could be punished for
Challenging those who are in authority
So rather than stand up for what she believes in
Sista gurl would stay quite to avoid unpleasant repercussions
She would run away from any discomfort instead of facing it
And Hardliner is shaken by the epiphany that she
Asserts her authority on her own daughter through
Harsh criticism and anger when she is being disobedient

Or more like she is acting like her mama when was her age
The apple don’t fall to far from the tree Boo
In fact – it is still on it

Hardliner purses her lips – albeit she knows the truth when she smells it

In a nutshell – her uncle was broken
She reckons that at some point in his childhood he may have felt
Powerless or unworthy
Maybe this experience taught him to use authority as a weapon
Maybe he used this authority to build his bravado and self importance
It may have resulted in persons viewing him as confident
But to a child his authority evoked fear
Nevertheless Hardliner forgives him – realizing that he
Battled issues of self worth and that it had nothing to do with her

Good girl – keep it movin’
Her Irates encourage

Lawd Jesus – she inhales deeply – she gats an aunt
Out of all her aunts – this one taught Hardliner
To love her little dark skinned – short picky-haired self
She was a rebel and Hardliner loved that about her
But somewhere down the road her aunt was broken
And has lived her life in a nervous – fearful and biter cocoon
Giving so much of herself away for her family
Who at times can be so ungrateful and disrespectful
And through her Hardliner has learned to sacrifice
Her desires and emotions out of some strange code of duty

Duty to who Boo her Irates ask
Your aunty was taught about sacrifice and duty
But she was also taught to dishonor her emotions
Her dreams and desires for her life

Hardliner can see herself in her aunt when it comes to
Sacrificing so much of herself in her relationships
And the hurtful thing is that a few of these relationships
Were one-sided – with Hardliner filling in that space
She has the habit of occupying spaces that are unworthy of her
And would sacrifice her comfort within a relationship

Because? her Irates ask gently

She wants to be liked – she wants to be appreciated
Gwad that sounds pathetic

Be gentle with yourself Boo
You have come a long way – you are stronger than you were yesterday
Take a deep breath

Hardliner takes their cue and breaks this shackle
She forgives herself for thinking that she is bound to
Self sacrifice even if it goes against her spirit
Even if it contributes to the depletion of her cup
Oooooooh lawd she can feel it now
With tears glistening her eyes
She takes one more step closer to freedom
“There’ll be singin’, there’ll be singin’, there’ll be singin’ over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in my grave….”

That old negro spiritual aint no joke

The mama issue is next
Well – that is a dayum couple of books worth of therapy in itself
Her mama giving her to her grandmother to raise
Taught Hardliner to mistrust persons and their vows of fidelity
Because people leave – they abandon you
So it would make sense that Hardliner not risk her heart
Sister gurl avoids emotional attachment like it is a plague
As long as she can see what is around the corner
She is in control of the situation – there are no surprises
There is no injury to her heart – she is safe
Now – one would logically figure that she would have
Come to this awakening before she got hitched
Since her philosophy would naturally impede nuptial bliss
But since when has Hardliner done anything in logical sequence
So – let’s just say that marriage is whooping her ass
And leave it alone

Hardliner’s insides are trembling – as she takes it all in
Her family pathology has birthed a nervous
Emotionally challenged individual
Who has lived her life in fear of opening up to her loved ones
Speaking up for herself when challenged
Moreover – she has devalued her feelings
And sacrificed her inner voice to please people
Oh God – she covers her face with her hands

That’s a start baby – well done
Now will the real Hardliner stand up all her truth
With all the burdens she carries
They do not manifest who you truly be baby girl
But represent all the lack-wass – (body dirt)
That has formed plaque around your neck
Behind your ears – and loving up your back real tight
What you need is an old school scrub down
Going all the way back to the bush
The kind that your Grandma’s kinfolk used to untie jacked up energies
The kind of scrub down that left a person raw yet
Free enough to shout Lawd Jesus God on their knees

“There’ll be singin’, there’ll be singin’, there’ll be singin’ over me
And before I’d be a slave I’ll be buried in my grave…”

Now snot is running down her nose
Hardliner is weeping – near wailing as that negro spiritual
Tears through her foundations
Yet there is a peace within that centre’s her

Because you have forgiven
You have laid down your burdens – Well – most of them
You know which ones you still cleave to
For now good work Hardliner – well done

Hardliner feels lighter in her spirit
Yet knows that this awakening aint through with her
Despite her latest victory – she worries about what’s on her horizon
Failing to even notice that she is once again standing

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