For the record
Hardliner aint technically what you would call Christian
She may be pimping Christian tendencies
But she aint on the holy-ghost train as yet
Well – full bodied that is
Chile you are so full off it
And what is being Christian – in your world that is?
A dry wind – not anything near subtle – carrying a tang of intrigue
Brushes up against her – bristling the hair on her skin
Dang – those Irates have moved in for the kill already
Just rushing a sista before she can layout her preamble
And Hardliner loves a preamble – because the mood
Has to be just right for her to get into full disclosure mode
One just does not hop onto a shrink’s couch
And gets their blab on without some sort of preamble
New day – new way – they retort
There is a briskness in that wind now
An urgency that gats a bit of thug to it
Umph – this breakthrough gon be hood!
Anyway – sista will admit that for some time now
She has been trying to dodge a certain situation
A ‘knowing in your bones’ type of situation
That there is a call on her life
It came off as a tepid feeling at first – fairly amenable
To being rebuked – ignored and unwanted on Planet Hardliner
But there aint nothing like a knowing that is lodged in your bones
A day in day out – 24/7 – reminder of its presence
Which in her case – thugged her out –
With its resonance laying down root in her soul
So much for being amenable and shit
Now gurl friend gats a gospel playlist on her phone
Amidst all her red light – walls climbing – getting freaky with it
D’Angelo – Marvin Gaye – Teddy Pendagrass – Love jones sexy jams
Please tell a sista how is she to reconcile
‘Let’s Get it On’ with ‘Take me To the King’?
When she was called to a life of simple prayer and meditation
Almost two decades ago she never counted on this
It rocked her – turned her inside out like a sock
And still – here she is questioning everything
She believes about herself
Trying to get to the truth – and live within it
This is what a spiritual life asks of you mama –
To constantly investigate the truth for yourself
If you listen to gospel songs and T.D. Jakes Sermons
Does that make you a Christian?
Hardliner lets out a lusty gust of air
Well that is what she is trying to find out
Because it seems like that Jakes fella
Has activated something inside sista gurl
And now she feels different – a Jesus different
That has her listening to gospel – breaking out into crazy
Praise sessions – anywhere – anytime –
Shocking fly – secular chick outta her
She aint gon lie – Jakes puts thangs down in a way that moves Hardliner
His real talk carried her through a jacked up 2014
As she felled inner mountains on her knees
With more than a few – prostrating before God
That shit aint no joke
Hardliner notices that her ocean is actually calm
Despite the fierce drumming séance of Oya’s
Change and transition winds about her
She needs to get to that stage of rocking serenity
Amidst her inner chaos and confusion
But how – she wonders
Let your panic go and breathe
It always boils down to that doesn’t it?
Hardliner plops herself down onto the sand
This is not the plague Hardliner
What is it that scares you so much?
For the life of her – she can’t find the answer
Her feelings about the issue resemble
A tangled ball of twine that can’t been unraveled
No matter how hard she tries
You are not trying hard enough mama
In fact you don’t want to try
Hardliner swallows a funky retort
She is big enough in this vulnerable moment
To admit that her Irates are right
She sits in uneasy silence for a while before asking herself
What does God want from me?
What if it is something that I cannot give?
Or is resistant in giving?
Well – we are here – cause it is obvious that
This is the case
Hardliner presses pause – aware that her irritability
Has been triggered by the Ego based fear of being
Called to sacrifice her way of life – and to some extent her mojo
Dang – is she is a Peter!?!
That brutha who denied Jesus in the heat of the crucifixion drama
Could it be that Hardliner prefers to keep her Inner Christian on a down low
Lawd – she is a Peter!
Hardliner reaches for deep breaths
And says a few prayers for forgiveness in between them too
Rising – she steadies herself against her wild change and transition winds
With gritty determination – she plants her heels into the sand
That wind aint more hood than her!
She asks herself – can she go hardcore for Christ?
Can she without question – accept the bounds of Christianity?
Cause she is a rebel right down to her core
Tell her to go left and sista will go right
Her middle name is WHY
She loves to challenge and question thangs
Do Christian folk investigate the truth – for themselves?
Do they just recount bible talk and reason that is fed to them
By the pastor or priest – who in a lot of cases
Seem to have more skeletons in their closet than a grave yard
Heyul – some are in the dayum closet while preaching the holy-ghost
There is a lot of judgment in you Boo – Her Irates observe
Yeh – she will concede to that
She is mistrustful of clergy folk
The flock seem to place more faith in the pastor than THE SHEPHERD
Which puts them in the prime position of being duped
Well Hardliner aint no sucker!
Which is a testament to the fire of T.D. Jakes
Who bulldozed all her clerical prejudices
What does acquiescing Christian conformity have to do
With your personal relationship with God? – Her Irates pointedly ask
In the end baby girl – when you are in your bed at night
When you are alone in your space
It is you and the Great I Am – no churches
No self-righteous folk – no dogma
Who is he to you?
Do you love him enough to claim him publicly?
They stretch Hardliner’s reasoning – forcing her
To look at her beliefs on Christianity
And she comes to the realization that her beliefs are superficial
Based on issues that fall outside her relationship with God
But what really scares Hardliner is losing herself
Losing all her cray cray – becoming myopic in her thinking
So many Christians she have met sing the same dayum tune
They focus more on what their relationship with God should be
Rather than the relationship they have with themselves
That is why sista is spiritual – with eh – Christian tendencies
She chooses to focus on becoming a better individual
By practicing a lifestyle of prayer and meditation
That opens her up to actively seek loving and meaningful
Relationships with those persons closest and dearest to her
So sista will not focus on whether or not she is saved
What songs she can listen to – how short her skirts are
Or the irreverent fire in her belly
Secular or not – Sista loves Jesus
Now this is all she gats
She gon still climb the walls to D’Angelo’s Send it on
Cause can nobody tell her that Christian folk don’t have
An inner red light / pole swinging freak –
Come on somebody!
Everybody gats blood running through their veins
Praise the Lord!
Her winds have simmered now
Hardliner has thugged out this breakthrough
She does not have all the answers in this situation
But she has come to the place of knowing
That she is ok with where she is
And there is so much more growth left in her
What is to happen will happen – according to the will of God
Hardliner can feel a feet shuffling – victory praise building
Cause when Divine will is added to her cray cray
The possibilities are endless!