“I surrender my ideas of what should be happening in my life”

The words of a favourite prayer
Reverberate in her dome – shattering ceilings
Adding a je ne sais quoi to this here twister inspired –
Gut purging experience

“I surrender habitual patterns that lead to the same results”

It aint no way for a Grand High Queen to be retching
By the side of some road – Yellow Brick or otherwise
Like she gats some deep reservoir of bile to expunge
Umph here we go again
Her soul is turned inside out by a swell of nausea
Mouth dry – body swaying – head heavy
This aint right – this aint the ‘hell or high water’ she was referring to

“I surrender my need to control and manipulate situations”

The next time Hardliner hails herself badass
Challenging Change to show up in her life – ‘come hell or high water’
She gon slap the black off her own-dayum-self
Cause her decision to live greatly – boldly and on purpose
Presented Ms. Oya – aka Change and Transition
With a sweet opportunity land her ass in a place of sublime discomfort
All sweat out – gasy and what not
With bile funk emanating from her in waves
And a pee reflex issue to boot

“I remind myself that God is in control”

No shit

“I remind myself that evolution is necessary and change happens”

Oh God she – gon die!
She is in the grips of fear and anxiety
Dayum that living greatly and purpose driven shit
Her mind is racing with all sorts of possibilities
Plus her mama issues have flared up
When she thought she had seen the back of them
Sista’s legs feel like jello – umph humph – she gon die!

“I remind myself that everyone is on a unique journey”

Well Hardliner gurl – you are trippin’ on the Yellow Brick Road
Now you can’t get more original than that!
She feels a shifting in her being
That familiar sensing of spirit in her presence
Turning ever so slightly – her heartbeat accelerating
Sista views a tall – stately Native American Woman
With a huge wolf at her side – good Lawd – she groans
I tell a lie – original has only just come out to play!

“I surrender old scripts from the past
I surrender fantasies of the future”

This is a grounding experience Hardliner surmises
She is on this here road of change and transition
Bombarded by thoughts of a new life –
With so many details to be worked out
Presenting a total nightmare for a control freak in remission
Plus she gats a naysayer in her camp
Every time she thinks of her mama – her left eye gets its twitch on
Hardliner feels like her head is about to pop off
O.K gurl get a grip – she pulls herself together
Folding into deep breathing exercises
Willing herself to meet the grace in this experience
Hardliner faces her new guide – uh – well guides
Counting that supernaturally large looking wolf
With silvery fur and soul piercing ice-blue eyes as well
Sista can already tell – she and that wolf gon have some problems

She recites the end of the prayer with her heart ascending her chest
“God I surrender my life to You so that I may be the fullest
Expression of myself as You express through me”

Why do you fear? – the woman asks – her voice soft
But sounds with reverberating power in Hardliner’s dome – shattering more ceilings
And by now Sista’s heart is lodged in her throat
Never mind she is peeing in front of a giant wolf

This is not you Hardliner – she admonishes herself
Where are your balls?
And so she further descends into a state of peevish sulking
Her new guides simply wait – watching as she battles herself
Eventually the battle proves too taxing
And in Hardliner-esque style she goes into
Stage three of denial – numb out the situation

The woman motions to sista gurl to walk with her
The wolf lops over to her right side
Now aint that a sight – gurlfriend is sandwiched between a wolf
And a statuesque – unworldly looking woman
Cruising down the freaking Yellow Brick Road
Like it is a feel good Sunday afternoon
Hardliner takes a good look at the Woman
She is handsome with an ageless look about her
She wonders what is her name?
And this guide don’t talk much – don’t ask too many questions
Except the one that all dem guides seem bound to ask
From their Spirit Guide 101 Manual – why do you fear?

“Uh – like why is the sky blue?
Come again – aint that manual of yours gats other questions
Or how about any other question that don’t get on her last nerve?”

Hardliner’s Ego has come out to play
However playtime is abruptly halted – as sista is pulled
Off the road to throw up once more
Her stomach feels like a sock that has been turned inside out
This is Spirit telling her to swallow her sass
And to manage her internal drama with the grace
She willed herself to meet a little while aback

Now her tears have come out to play
Her greatest fear is that uprooting her life to a new place
Only to find struggle and hardship which ends her vision

The woman smiles for the first time
Hardliner feels a weight lift from her shoulders
How can you be free to follow your destiny
When you carry the burden of fear
It will surely hold you back

And despite this fear – she being supernaturally pulled to
Go get her vision

So why do you give naysayers power over you
Why is it so necessary to get external validation
For something that is blessed
Do you not have support elsewhere?

Yes she does – but her mother’s response reminded her that
Although she has support and encouragement
From friends and family – this is her vision – her walk – her journey
And she is alone on it – because she is the one birthing it
And maybe it is this relisation that she has to be O.K.
With being alone with herself – not lonely
But being alone with uncertainty and anxiety
Yet walking in faith and not by sight – all by her baaaad self

“I surrender old scripts from the past
And fantasies of the future”
The words from the prayer pop up in her mind
With the effect of a resplendent rising sun
Scattering away the remnants of darkness
Sista realizes that her mother’s general disapproval of her vision
Is an inner response to her life experiences
It is her response to all the choices she made
That affected the course of her life
Hardliner goes into deep breathing – trying to manage the
Birthing pain of this breakthrough

Her journey to the UK this summer was one of reconciliation
She realizes that she has always seen Britain through her mother’s eyes
And so Hardliner’s experiences were coloured by limitation
You can’t do this – you can’t do that – you are too poor
She felt entrapped most of the dayum time
And never touched all the possibilities that Britain had to offer
Basically she internalized her mother’s disappointments and struggle
However this year she saw Britain through her own eyes
Wearing purpose and faith and she felt hopeful for the first time
But then she still read from that old script of internalizing
Other people’s issues –
Giving up her power by seeking validation from someone
In this case – her mother – who could not see past her experiences
To be supportive of her daughter

But this is so much more about you internalisng stuff
Little one

Little one – what? – Hardliner is about to veer off their verbal track
But is pulled into the present moment
By an acute churning of her stomach
Umph – she puts her little funky retort in her pocket – for later

You talk about breaking wheels of family pathology
Which is equally frightening as it is courageous
They halt their stroll
The woman looks directly into Hardliner’s eyes
This summer was not only about you Hardliner
Remember everyone is on their journey
It is not just your wheel you broke –
But also your mothers
Her heirlooms to you are her experiences
Perceptions of life – belief systems – family culture
And you broke this wheel with your decision
To live a limitless life
You broke the pathology of setting low ceilings
And it resonated with your mother – that what she
Gave you was not good enough
You and your mother are made from the same cloth
And yet the cloth is not the same

Hardliner has always been pulled to look beyond the rainbow
To discover what is on the other side – to live greatly
Even if it does not fall in line with her family culture

Is this not what you are doing now
Or are you waiting for things to manifest
Maybe you are discovering that living greatly
Is not the feel good experience you had in mind

“I surrender the fantasies of the future”

Hardliner purses her lips as her dome is
A lit with this Ah Ha moment

Nothing is what it seems little one
Living greatly can be a desolate place
You may have many dear friends and family
With you on your journey – they are there
To give it substance – colour – flavor
But they have no ownership to it
For your journey is yours and yours alone
Continue to shatter your ceilings Hardliner

Mediocre ceilings – mediocre life – she muses
She sighs taking in that long-ass stretch of yellow brick before her
Her feet are tired as hell – dem pumps gon be the end of her
She looks wistfully at the shoes on her feet
They are real cute – but she takes them off
And chucks them aside
Realising that she does not really need them
She is where she needs to be
Oh wow – she just surprised herself – how mature
And dang near spooky

She turns her head with a smile tugging at
The corners of her mouth
Then sees the wolf – those blue luminescent eyes tearing into her
But in a weird way she feels a kinship to the wolf
She feels a weaving of threads in her soul
Like she and the animal guide are bound together in some way
Hardliner looks askance – with sudden longing at the red pumps
She sighs knowing that they are as useless to her right now
As that Kansas gurl Dorothy

We walk – the tall stately woman announces
Turning to face the Yellow Brick Road
That is a lot of road – Hardliner muses

Aint we gats a theme song for all this here
Yellow brick or something?