Sweet Chile Chronicles: That still small voice

Standard

Hardliner’s sun is grooving – its golden rays spurting ebullience
As a benediction on sista gurl’s rolling hills

“Hold up yuh lighter and come
Flame inna di air, fire haffi burn
Holla from a top of a mountain and cry
Tell ’em seh my love will never die”

Koffee’s big tune – ‘The Harder they Fall’ is pure fyah
Hardliner experiences it’s rhythm as licks of fire
That pool at the base of her spine
She’s none the wiser as to why this here song resonates in her being
Maybe it’s because it brings her back to the time in her life
When reggae pulled up to her digs and whisked her off
Like some rogue prince – laying claim to her heart
As well as the title of her first love
Or maybe she is reliving those Friday night limes in Dub House
Being wooed by riddim and bass
But one way or another she is West Indian to the bone
Revelling in the beauty of and feeling buoyed by a defining culture

Sista is grooving

And she needs it like karma gunning for a wrongdoer
In actual fact – sista needs this here groove to drown out
All the noise in her head about needing to deal with her mama issues
Threads of consternation interweave her sweet groove
With the acknowledgment that her Buddha-seer life walk
Does have its draw backs – cause that ‘when you know better –
You do better’ principle
Is cramping dayum her style

As Kofee sings – “where do we go?”
Hardliner muses – where does she go with her mother?
The woman she can’t even call mom without feeling
All-types-of-wrong within her being
Right now she is at an impasse
Ms. Consternation’s threads tighten their weave
In sista’s rude bwoy flow
To tell you the truth Hardliner could just leave things as they are
Completely cutting her mama off

And how is that working for you baby?

Ok – a sista is surprised!
Hardliner turns to find the Earth Mother Nanna
Who is garbed in royal blue robes – a short distance away from her
Unlike the fiery Almah – who is always up in Hardliner’s grill
Ms. Nanna is the quiet one – always watching – never intruding
She embodies an ethereal grace that makes Hardliner want to weep
Never mind the trickle of pee making its way her leg
The serene Earth Mother approaches Hardliner with
With a gentle smile tugging the corners of her mouth
And eh – with Sweet Chile in toe

Umph – that trickle is now a steady little stream

Well – that route has not done me any favours
Hardliner answers the Earth Mother’s question
Sista glances at Sweet Chile – her small hand clutching
At Ms. Nanna’s blue robing
Hardliner catches the wariness in her inner child’s eyes
It is something to battle for trust with oneself – she muses
But she can’t say she blames Sweet Chile
Cause Hardliner has not treated her too kindly
Absentmindedly sista gurl clears her throat as she looks up to the sky
Her sun is now being jostled by a heavy mass of dark clouds
Vying for control of its azure territory
She clears her throat again and notes how dry it feels
Then takes a suspicious sniff of the air – something ah gwan
Kofee’s tune is barely audible – leaving the song of a brisk wind
To serenade her grasslands
Forcing her to focus on the present moment
Spirit is so accommodating – she quips

And always for your good – Nanna supplies

Hardliner’s handy clapback gets stuck like glue to the back of her throat
That steady stream of pee is now a freaking bustling river
As she battles to free her fighting words
But dem bitches won’t budge
In fact – no word – scream or James-Brown-sound
Can come out of her mouth
Now Hardliner is Budda-seer enough to acknowledge
That sheer panic will only jack up her stomach and blood pressure
And so – sista acquiesces to surrender

She sits on the grass facing her inner child
Hoping to heal that disconnect within herself
And in doing so come to that place of peace with her mama
Just thinking about speaking to her – releases trickles of acid in her gut
Cause she just cannot emotionally trust the woman
Coming to think of it – her stomach has always been the seat
Of emotional discomfort
Anxiety – anger – worry all have carved up prime
Real estate in Hardliner’s gut
It has been her seat of feeling since childhood
Sweet Chile reaches for Hardliner’s hand
And places it over her heart
She is hit with the emotions of her five-year old self
Loss and confusion resonate in sista gurls being
Hardliner’s throat feels like it has been sandpapered
Her larynx being worn down to dust
That is the point – that is how Sweet Chile felt
Her inner child was expected to love and warm up to
A mother who never raised her – calling on birthdays and
Special occasions
She could not voice that she felt
Rejected – angry or confused about why she lived
Oceans apart from the woman who bore her
This is too freaking much – Hardliner moves to break contact

Sit in this chile – you are stronger than you think
Nannah is at her side – that surreal grace she is pimping
Bolsters Hardliner as she reaches for it in this moment

Hardliner always thought she used her voice
She was loud enough and sassy enough with clap backs for days
Her family knows her as a rule breaker who does things different
Heyul – she is badass on purpose!

Yet being loud does not mean everyone knows your truth
Communicating your truth without fear of rejection or anger
Is something totally different baby – Ms. Nannah is burning a
Sage and lavender cocktail to cleanse the energy around her
As she sits there with her inner child
Hardliner acknowledges that she runs from hard conversations
Her stomach is a deep well of unexpressed emotion
That she has carried from childhood
And she has shunned Sweet Chile
Because she does not want to face the fact
That she is really scared of being vulnerable
In communicating her truth to others
Sweet Chile is the part of Hardliner who is soft and innocent
And afraid of people’s reactions
If she were to speak her truth

Umph – that sage and lavender combo
Is doing a number on a sista
Sista could feel a loosening in her throat
And she half-way smiles as she gets with the lesson here
Her throat chakra is jacked

She looks into Sweet Chile’s large bright eyes
Please accept my forgiveness for abandoning you
You are beautiful Sweets
And we gone have to talk with our mother
Its going to be ok – cause I got you

Hardliner is in no rush to find a quick resolution
To her mama issues – but she intends to be
More forthright with her mother about where she
Is emotionally at this moment – that’s all she gats right now
She is angry – no doubt about it
Hopefully she will come to that place of peace and reconciliation
And know that no matter how it looks
She will be ok

Hey Sweets – let’s dance dem clouds out of the sky
Pull up selecta!

“Hold up yuh lighter and come
Flame inna di air, fire haffi burn
Holla from a top of a mountain and cry
Tell ’em seh my love will never die”

Riddim and bass is holding court again in her vale
Hardliner is teaching her inner child how to skank
There is joy here – and she aint felt that in a long time

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