Yellow Brick Road Chronicles: That Damned Mountain!

Standard

2017 is rounding the corner and alas
Hardliner has been slapped upside the head by an obstacle
High jacking her progress on the seemingly
Endless Yellow Brick Road
Sista is here again – with a certain issue
That has morphed into this bitch-ass mountain
Imposing itself in between herself and the Emerald City
Defying her attempts to get her bask on
In all that beatific green aura
This here mountain has decided that it aint ah going no-wheres
Leaving sista to mill over her options
Now unless she gon be gifted with supernatural powers
She can’t go through all this here rock
She sure as hell aint gon climb that beast
Cause – well – she aint no Sisyphus

So that leaves you with…

Hardliner shuts her eyes – her nostrils flaring
And heart closing – amidst a deep intake of air
As the grounding – bullish energy of Almah hits her dome

Umph – Lawd Jesus
Don’t even start Almah

Well chile you would not be here with your mama mountain mess
If you heeded the counsel of your spirit
Keep grinding dem options of yours
Whilst choosing to ignore the inner knowing
That God has given you only one

Hardliner eyeballs her goliath of a mountain with utter disdain

What – that funky stare down gon make it move out of your way
Can you say Sisyphus?

Can you leave me alone – Hardliner bites back in frustration
Ms. Ratchet is just itching to be illuminated in the centre spot
Of that spanking new stage – after its Sphinx-like rebirth
From fiery death at the hands of Oya – aka change and transition

But not even self-anger could make Hardliner give Ms. Ratchet
That kind of grace
Though she is angry that she is still here after
All that forgiveness inner work failed her

Almah is quiet
That aint good
The earth mother stands a little distance from Hardliner
Decked in blood red robes
Watching Hardliner do battle with herself

A recent nasty confrontation with her mama
Has blurred the line between acquaintance and frenemy
Where forgiveness and herself are concerned
Ushering some hard-hitting truths into Hardliner’s dome
A. She aint ever gon trust her mother with anything but small talk
B. They aint never ever – like never gon be close
C. She gon pimp this here make shift forgiveness and be done with it

And as for all the strides she has made with doing the inner
Work to bring her peace and healing with her mama
Maybe she is just discovering that – well – she has been
Pimping Sisyphus all this time
Cause that dayum boulder has flatlined every reconciliation attempt
Hell – some things just stay broken – case closed
Hardliner feels that familiar tightening in her chest
Whenever she thinks about her mama situation
She looks for some reaction from the fiery Almah
But earth mother guide is quiet
No peppery retorts – no ninja side eyes
No earth tremor causing hard truths
No nuttin’

Hardliner catches a faint melody on the wings of the wind
Eliciting a welling of tears in her eyes
As it hits her dome – full bodied
“….In the midst of the hurt
In the midst of the pain
In the midst of distractions
He said you are the chosen one…
They said you would never be,
But God said I’m raising you for my Glory…
They said this problem will never end, but
God said I’m bringing you out My child”
Jekalyn Carr’s “They said but God said” is stirring up
An emotional cesspool that has made Sisyphus bolt like a scared rat
To leave Hardliner on her knees before her mama mountain mess

I pictured you for a slayer
Almah finally speaks
Who are you in this moment

Punk assed and proud – sista retorts pugnaciously
As the treacherous tears leave tracks on her cheeks

And still you are chosen chile –
Almah offers in a matter of fact tone

I never asked for this –

And still you are chosen
Lay down your weapons
God is making you

It hurts – Hardliner says in a childlike whimper

The earth mother comes to her side with a gentle smile on her face
And places her palm on Hardliner’s chest
Sista is shaking – damn it – her walls are being bulldozed
By an energy – resolute in its will
Yet carrying an overwhelming serenity and warmth
Which could only be Spirit
The Surgeon is in the house

All or nothing baby – Almah counters
Knowing that Hardliner is milling over those elusive options
Trust the Surgeon with your heart

Hardliner closes her eyes and surrenders
To hell with it – she is tired of looking at that daymed mountain

What do you want baby
What are your expectations

Lawd – Hardliner exhales
All she wants is not to feel that heaviness in her chest
When she thinks her mother

What do you want – Almah is after something
Dig deeper Hardliner

I want her to see me – the real me
I want her to accept who I am

Hardliner senses Sweet Chile – her inner child’s
Presence is strong
And she wields an ancient wounding Hardliner
Thought had been healed

Have you even allowed her to see the real you?
And what if she never sees you
What if she never comes to terms with the woman
You are coming into today
That pathology wheel breaking woman

I am still enough – Hardliner answers from her spirit
An offering that floors her
She is only now absorbing this belief into her soul
And she is rocked –
Sista has analysed mama’s issues to death
And still she has only scratched the surface
Cause she does not know her mama’s complete testimony
She knows bits and pieces
From those pieces she has formulated
Her mother’s unauthorised biography

And what do you know of your mama’s story

She has lost a lot in her life
She has been hurt by men – who let her down
She has let herself down
She has sacrificed her dreams – lived a limited life
Letting life happen to her instead living it

And you have judged her for it – Almah states

Hardliner feels the brunt of this truth
She has judged her mother as weak
Yet she sees her strength now – to make the most of her life
With what she had and in the best way she could
Who is Hardliner to think that her mother’s triumph is inadequate
When she never walked in her shoes

She is no different from any other woman out there baby
Here you are – her daughter who is talking purpose
Tring to courageously inhabit
The space of self-confidence and self-belief
Here she is – broken by experiences in life
Which has damaged her self-worth and self-belief
Here you are daughter – reminding her of her insecurities 
Affirming her inadequacy

Hardliner releases the judgements of her mama
Through active forgiveness – which she realises
Is a daily practice not just an all-in-a-one-go breakthrough
And God knows her mama don’t make it easy
Hardliner will admit that she has locked her mama
Out of her life and heart as punishment for the
Hurtful things she has said and done in the past
Heyul – with in the past weeks
How does she find common ground with this woman

She is a child of God – just like you
That alone is enough common ground
When she attacks you with her brokenness
Remind yourself she is no different from you
When you operate out of fear and your feelings of inadequacy

Hardliner feels pressure in her chest cavity
Knowing if she tries to fight it she will never find healing
She cannot wait for her mama to validate her life’s philosophy
Her purpose or the mothering of her child
Hardliner cannot wait for her mother to experience that magical
Breakthrough that frees her from her emotional and mental prisons
In order to be at peace with their relationship
Sista cannot heal anyone – not even herself
All she can do is to stay open hearted – as mortifying as it is
She is enough and does not need to prove her worth to anyone
Or more importantly – need to be enough for her mama
She can only acknowledge her mama’s brokenness
And keep it moving – keep on trusting God
This is how she will slay this mountain
Cause as Ms. Jekalyn testifies – “God raised a champion…
You’re gonna face hurt – you’re gonna face pain
You’re gonna face heartache and even some rain
You’re gonna have ups…you’re gonna have downs…
You’re gonna have tears…you’re gonna be wrong
You’re gonna have fears and have to walk alone
…You are the chosen one”

You dayum right Sista is chosen
And choses to continue walking the path of authenticity in 2017
Though it be dark as Hades at times
She gon walk it feeling nauseous – mortified – pissed awf
Joyous – blessed – even depressed
Knowing that she is strong and shit

Hallelujah!
This is one of those light-hearted moments
And sista gon bask in it
Like that that Emerald aura when she rolls up on the sublime city
At least that dayum mountain is out of her way
Shaking her head with a smile tugging the
Corners of her mouth
Hardliner acknowledges – Spirit don’t play
Mountains be putty in his hands

As with us – every one and all
Almah beckons to Hardliner – come on chile
A new horizon awaits

2 thoughts on “Yellow Brick Road Chronicles: That Damned Mountain!

  1. It never occurred to me until now that your journey with your mother shares so much in common with mine with my dad…How long did I want him to see the real me and accept the real me? How long did I hold all his mistakes and choices against him? Even as deeply as I loved him, I lived behind a wall waiting for an apology that never came… and so kept my distance in my own way. It is good that you are looking at all this now, while your mom is still alive… and allowing yourself to be vulnerable which I know is contra-Hardliner in every way!

    Like

    • Girl it is not easy. But the one thing that stands out for me is that forgiveness is a daily practice. I have to keep on at it because some days I really don’t like her. I then have to remind myself that all is not lost – I can get back on the forgiveness wagon again. Our parents are human – and it just so happens that their journey in life has at times negatively impacted our lives. In judging them for their mistakes or short comings – we also in turn judge our actions and mistakes. This puts a block on the flow of forgiveness for our selves. Oooooh – ah-ha – hallelujah praise moment!

      Like

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