Life On the Outside Chronicles: High Risk

Standard

Generally – Hardliner has lived on the fringes of her life
Emotionally barricading herself from the world to feel safe
She has never liked surprises either
And likes to be sure of thangs – like the sun rising every morning
Cause she be anal about her emotional safety
But then dem things showed up
Her Irates / angels/conscious thought – what not
And now her life resembles a sock that has been turned inside out

What’s more – sista aint gats no place to hide
From dem ghetto Irates who have high-jacked Planet Hardliner
Now the spiritually enlightened woman in her
Would welcome such an – eh – intervention
Knowing that it is all for her betterment
However – her inner ratchet – well Hardliner figures
She prayed this morning – so she gon pass on
Venting her ratchetossity
Cause when you know better – you do better
Even if ratchet feels so good – oooh Lawd have mercy

“Good mornin’ Boo”

Ummph-humph

The Irates wait for sista gurl to centre herself
There is a heavy weight on her chest
Leaving a dull ubiquitous ache that seems to intensify
But being a recovering masochist
The urge to possessively hold on to this spiritual ache
Instead of surrendering it is very strong

“Let go Boo – facing your fear kills the beast”

Yeh she called this therapy session
But only because the heavy weight of this inner ache
Threatens to turn her into Cock-eyed Sue
She takes in a deep breath to expunge the chaos from her mind
Holy freaking matrimony!
She releases explosively – wishing to do her inner ratchet proud
By folding into a sweet profanity laced tirade on that subject

“But when you know better you do better – right mama?”
The Irates interject – a tinge of humour colouring their tone

Hardliner squints – lips pursed for a sweet ‘n’ sour reply
Umph – humph – the devil is a liar!
She aint gon crack today
But her inner ratchet is feeling mighty indignant

“You are still off centre mama
What about holy matrimony that is courting
A ghetto revolution from your inner ratchet
Is it the latest victory that arrived on Planet Hardliner
About your husband mirroring your own internal mess
The fact that you attract what you are
And that your relationship with your lion is just
A reflection of childhood issues that are unresolved”

Her Irates go in for the kill

Whoa – yall on point today aint-cha?

“Discipline your inner ratchet Boo
She brings your ugly out as a response to
Facing your perceived inadequacies
Your inner ratchet thrives in mess
The cleansing energy of truth terrifies her
Own your dirt Hardliner then throw it out”

Oh she owns it all right
Can no nobody milk a woe is me story like Hardliner
But the hard part is changing this pattern
She gats the “when you know better” part real good
The “doing better” part is the bitch
Being open to vulnerability is no small feat for sista gurl
That is high risk – that is emergency neon red button risk
If it was not for the internal ache jacking up her eyesight
Hardliner would continue to live on the fringe of her
Well laid out life

“Don’t bitch – keep it movin’!
What are you willing to do to save your marriage”

Their tone of voice brooks no mess

Running would feel so good right now

“Yeh – too bad you’re on your way
To becoming Budda-seer”
comes their reply
Hardliner swallows some humble pie with great effort

Change is hard yow – painful as shit
This is what Ego shielded her from

“But beneath the pain baby girl there is so much joy
What does it take out of you to be emotionally fluid with your Boo”

That shit is risky business
But for the life of her – she don’t know
Deep down inside Hardliner knows the man will not reject her
It is just that she feels so naked being open with anyone
And then – the brother aint exactly emotionally available either

“Which man you know likes to share his feelings
And be on the real now
Do you dig men that are touchy feely”

Well she don’t want them all up in her grill with emotion
But a dayum a hug and a kiss every now and again won’t hurt
Drop some Luther Vandross on a sista

“Let’s not pretend that you won’t flee
To Rigidity Ville if he does Boo
Come on now – own it – speak the truth”

Her Irates are making her more cockeyed – if that is humanly possible
Oh wait – they roll supernatural – dog-gon-it!
Hardliner takes does some more deep breathing
All the while holding on to the frustration she wants to release
Dang it man – yall making me blind

“Why is it so hard to reciprocate your Lion’s affections
The same affections you actively seek from him
Cause right now it would appear that you are playing games
High risk games mama”

It was not so in the past though

“Well you are in the present now”
Her Irates are forcing her to face reality
And it aint pretty
She knows that she is taking out her daddy issues
On her lion

How can she put trust in a man – any man?

“Boo – trust in yourself first to believe that
To give love will not break or debilitate you
And that you can handle heart break if it comes
You cannot truly love from the outside looking in
You have to invest your whole being
And trust that you are safe within yourself
And that your love is safe with the God
There is no need to hide this love from your Lion”

Point taken – she gats trust issues too
But the absence of a father in her life
Who exemplified the graces of a real man
The man from whom she would learn what to look out for in a mate
Left her tackling relationships and marriage – clueless
With mediocre standards and non-existent boundaries
Hardliner is not about to throw a pity party
Dem days of rabid partying are over now
Yes she entered marriage an incomplete woman
And now finds herself in the process of completion
Which involves taking the high risk of
Being fully naked with her spouse

“May be the high risk is more about you trusting
Yourself enough to be open
Trusting that you are strong enough to experience
Hurt from heart break
And that you will be ok regardless”

Ummmmph – the Irates bore in relentlessly
They mean her to score this victory
“If you live your life trying to avoid unpleasant experiences
You are living a limited and restrictive life
How can you give receive when you run from giving
How can you grow when weeds stunt your blooming
How can you shine when you hide away in shadow
Risk it Hardliner
Open up to yourself – pull back the blinds to your life
And let the sunshine in
Communicate – illustrate – claim your truth
Know that YOU ARE an expression of love
And that simply is enough
Don’t wait for others to show it – embody it
And love will come back to you ten-fold”

Beautiful sermon but Hardliner would be lying if she
Said that she was feeling it like the holy spirit
Sweet chile has problems assimilating in this
New culture of being that her Irates be preaching about
Opening up like a lotus flower aint feasible
It aint comfortable- aint easy – aint dignified
It just aint
So Ms. Misdemeanour diva – and she has not fully disinherited that title
Weighs the consequences for not jiving
With all that jazz the Irates be preaching

“Oh Hardliner why is it so hard to set your inner slave free
That nigger has practically blinded you
And you still swear allegiance to her mediocrity
Have you considered that by standing in your truth
Illustrates your desire and willingness to the Universe
To come into who you are meant to be
And by the way – that is?

Authentic

“Bing bing!
Authentic is truth
And like the All – the Great I Am – truth simply is
You can’t add anything to it – neither take anything away from it
This is true freedom mama
And to attain such bliss you have to roll with high risk
Start with yourself Hardliner
Know that you are worth it”

Hardliner lets this awareness sink in
And once her resistance to this truth dissipates
Cockeyed Sue relinquishes control over her vision
Good riddance to that heffa
Yall know yall weren’t right about that

“Keep your ratchet in her place Boo”

Dang – that “do better”!

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